3rd Birthday Letter.

To my precious Peyton Grace,

Happy 3rd birthday in heaven baby girl.
I can't believe you are 3. That 3 years ago was the last time i held you.
I can't believe I've survived this long without you. There were moments when I thought I wouldn't.
Not a day goes by that I don't think of you and the moments we might have had together.
I think back over the time we had together and I'm am thankful for those memories.
The kicks and nudges of love I felt from you when you were in my womb.
I carried you all your life and I am so blessed I got to spend that time with you.
On that late afternoon in December when I pushed through my grief and labor to give birth to you I had know idea how my life would change in that moment.
No idea how much my heart would grow and break all in the same moment.
I fell even more in love with you the moment I saw you.
How perfectly peaceful and beautiful you were.
Tiny little 4lb 14oz baby girl. With dark hair, and the most perfect pink lips.
I knew your soul was with our Lord and that gave me some sort of peace.
My heart was shattered but I knew I wasn't alone.
I was so lucky to have family and friends supporting me during that day and I'm thankful for all those who got to meet you and hold you.
To tell you how much you were and still are loved.

I often find myself wondering what you would be like today.
What you would play with, what you would be learning.
I imagine you full of spunk and happiness.
A fearless little girl with a big heart.
You'd be such a daddy's girl, he loves you so much.
I think about how much fun you and your little brother would have together.
All the things you would teach him.
I feel so sad knowing you two have to grow up apart.
Separated for a lifetime, until you meet in heaven.
I have a feeling you watch over him daily and I also believe he carries some of you with him every single day.
He has an extra glimmer that I know is you.
Through knowing you Peyton, I have been a better mother to Isaac.
I notice the small things he does more often than I think I would have.
The little giggles as he learns and grows are my favorite.
I have no doubt you would have made him laugh harder than anyone.

I am so thankful for you.
That you made me a mother.
That I get the opportunity to mother you from Earth.
It's taken me awhile to accept this, but if I had a choice to do it all over again I wouldn't change a thing.
Because in knowing you I have felt and learned some of the most intense emotions a human can feel. Love, grief, joy, anger, empathy.
All these things that make me human and teach me about life.
Through loving you I have learned to love God more deeply than I ever have.
I know God has been grieving with me.
On days when I feel grief the most, like today, I know God is comforting me.
I am holding onto his promise that one day I will be reunited with you, and what a joyous day that will be. 

Happy 3rd Birthday baby girl!

Love you more than I could ever express.

-Momma

P.S. Don't worry, I'll eat some cake for you!

Capture Your Grief Day 5: Journal

This was one of my earlier journal entries.
I find a lot of healing through words.
Most of the pages are filled with inspirational quotes, letters to Peyton.
A jumble of words to express how I was feeling.
Some doodles, of course.

As I was reading back through some of the pages,
I was immediately brought back into the raw emotional feelings of grief I had so often then.
It was hard for me to read some of them without feeling consumed with pain.
I was pretending to be strong then...though I felt incredibly weak.
People always make comments about how strong I am.
How they couldn't imagine going through such a loss.
I never really saw it the way others do.
I was strong because I had to be.
I really had no other choice.
Maybe I should give myself more credit, but that feels so strange to me.
I wish so badly I could go back and tell myself that I would survive.
That everyday would get a little easier.
That I would still have hard times, but I was capable of being strong.
That maybe, I really am strong.

Capture Your Grief Day 4: Now

This is me now...

Jordan (the hubs) snapped this picture of us last week.
My days are now spent caring for this sweet boy, Isaac.
The days are filled with his laughter.
He has helped me heal in ways I never thought possible.
He keeps my mind busy with his needs.
He fills the aching pain in my arms I felt after Peyton died,
The arms that so desperately wanted to hold a baby.
I am thankful for Isaac and his rainbow of light he brings to me.
But I still miss Peyton every single day.
It has been 2 years, 9 months, and 24 days since I last held her in my arms.
When I told her "hello" and "goodbye" at the same time.
I would say now, I am mostly happy.
The smile I had to fake for so long comes more naturally.
I have a good life and don't feel the sting of grief so often as I used to.
However,
I am left with crippling anxiety that I might never be without.
I worry about Isaac and his life more than is probably normal.
I am fearful he will also be taken too soon.
I've come to realize grief is both a blessing and a curse.
Yes, I have more fear of losing loved ones because death has touched me so deeply.
But this also means I love deeper than I ever have before.
It really makes me remember to take each day as a blessing.
To never miss an opportunity to tell someone you love them.
Now I choose to heal and not let myself become a victim of grief.
Now I choose happiness instead of pain.
Now I choose to live in the moment and be thankful for my journey.

Capture Your Grief Day 3: Before

This is me Before...

Before I knew the crippling heartache I would feel in just about 4 weeks.
Before I would be thrown into an emotional grief journey that would push me further than I ever imagined.
Yes, I knew babies died, but I was naive.
I heard the stories, but I never thought it would happen to me.
I was young, healthy, had wonderful (and still do) husband.
I was glowing with excitement, ready to bring my precious baby girl into the world.
I would laugh boldly.
Sing at the top of my lungs.
I wasn't afraid of much. Especially not death.
I had never been faced with any real hardships.
I had never questioned my faith.

I miss that carefree girl with the sparkle in her eyes.
I miss the feeling of easiness.


My heart grew a hole the day my daughter and it can't be completely filled again on this Earth.
I see my life in two separate times now.
I am not that person in this photo anymore and I won't ever be her again.
I may have lost some sparkle but I have gained so much,
such courage and purpose.

...And I'm okay with this most days.

Capture Your Grief Day 2: Heart

"i carry your heart ( I carry it in my heart)"
-E.E. Cummings

Peyton Grace McFadin 

Born into our Heavenly Fathers arms 

December 12, 2011 at 4:44pm. 

She was a tiny little thing, only weighing 4lbs 14oz. 

She had brown curly hair, and a cute button nose. 

Long fingers and toes.

The prettiest pink lips I've ever seen. 

She was beautiful and she was ours.

I experienced the most joyous love and intense heartache I will ever have, all in the same moment.

Time stood still.

Our first born and only daughter. 

We never got to see her take her first breath, or first steps.

None of the hopes and dreams we had for her will ever come true. 

But Peyton lives on in my heart. 

She is kept safe there.

I carry her through life 

and I've learned to be her mother from Earth while she resides in Heaven. 

It's a strange blessing to know the pain of such a loss.

You look at the world differently and for that I am thankful for my daughter. 

I'll continue to carry Peyton in my heart for as long as I'm breathing...
and I hold on to God's promise that one day I will see her again. 

Capture Your Grief Day 1: Sunrise

As I woke this morning,
I immediately peaked out my window and was met with a dark haunting sky.
I knew the sun would be rising soon and I was thankful to have a moment to sit and reflect on the month of October and what it means to all the other loss mothers and families I share a connection with. How this month would be filled with emotional moments of grief as we remember our babies who left this earth to soon.
As the light started to break through the darkness, I realized it was cloudy and overcast.
Not at all what I pictured when I thought of a beautiful sunrise to start this healing journey with.
I took a photo anyways.

I so wanted to capture the sun breaking through the trees in the backyard of the home we bought while I was pregnant with Peyton.
The clouds were too thick and I'm no photographer so I had no idea how to make this image any prettier.

But you know what...

Even on the cloudiest days the sun still rises.
Life will keep moving.
Thinking back on days I didn't care if the sun ever rose again...
how desperately I wished I could pull the covers over my head and never leave my bed.
They were cloudy. Almost a haze.
Somehow I did it though,  I broke through those cloudy moments of grief and despair and
learned to find light and happiness again.
It's been a slow journey and I still have hard moments, days even.
But in those moments I know that no matter what
I will see light through the clouds and the sun will shine down on me once again.

What heals my heart....

I've attempted to start this blog about a million times now...and words continue to fail me.

I mean really, I started to write this post at the end of January 2013, right after we learned we were pregnant with our second child, our rainbow baby, Isaac.

For those who personally know me I know you are all aware of my daily #isaacspam
 (I know, I know... I'm a little obsessed with that cute boy).
To those of you who have read my blog in the past and don't know me other than through this blog, we had another baby!!
Born September 21, 2013.
He just turned a year old and has been such a blessing to us.
He has really brought light and love back into our grief journey.  

Just a little note for those of you who aren't in the loss community or have never heard this term "Rainbow Baby" is a term often used in this community that refers to a the baby after the loss of a previous -miscarriage, stillbirth, infant loss.

Rainbows illuminate the sky, bringing color back into what was previously dark and stormy. They do not negate the ravishes of the storm, but offer hope to those who have gone through the storm. 

That's what our little Isaac means to us.
Although we've gone through a tremendous storm of grief and loss after losing Peyton, we have our rainbow baby to now help bring us healing.

I do sometimes wish I would have blogged about my pregnancy with Isaac, but a lot of my posts bring so much emotion out of me that I needed to just focus on being healthy and sane for the sweet boy I was carrying. I kind of shut off my emotions in order to stay healthy.
Then after having him I have become a crazy, non-sleeping, runs only on caffeine MOMBIE.

I just haven't had time to dedicate to my healing process.
Today this changes.
October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month
and I have decided I'm going to be taking part in the
Capture Your Grief Healing Project
 (http://carlymarieprojectheal.com/2014/09/capture-your-grief-2014.html).
This is a wonderful way for me to spend time reflecting and remembering my daughter Peyton Grace, as well as help bring awareness to this baby loss community that is so dear to my heart.

I am thankful everyday I have Isaac here on earth with me, he bring so much joy into my world.
This does not mean he has replaced, or made me forget about my daughter.
I still miss Peyton and think about her daily.
Sometimes I even find myself thinking...I can't believe my baby died.
I can say I am more at peace with her death, but I still have sad, hard days.
Which is why I want to take this opportunity.
I am no photographer and really not a writer, I just really wanted to spend this month focusing on my journey.
A little self-care to help my grieving heart.
I'll be following these prompts and using my blog as a healing tool and would love, love, love to share this journey with all of you readers again.