Pregnancy: My Time with Peyton

I have been thinking a lot about how I should start my story.
What I should write about first. 

I want anyone who reads this to know my whole journey including the heart-breaking, the confusing, the wishful, and especially the happy times. It's crazy to say that in the midst of tragedy there are happy moments, but in my journey there are, and the happiest moments are when I was pregnant. After all, being pregnant is truly the only memories I have of my daughter while she was still with us on Earth. Looking back now I realize how truly special that time was. I wish I had known then how much it would mean to me now.

Being pregnant was honestly one of my favorite things in the world.

As soon as I found out we were expecting, I was a mother. I had new purpose in the life, I was going to have a child. I was elated and glowing and overwhelmed all at the same time. It was a wonderful feeling knowing that I was sustaining a life inside of me. That God was giving me the honor of being with child.

My husband and I started planning our future with a little one on the way. We even bought a house because we wanted our child to have the perfect home. I shared some of the most incredible moments I'll ever have with Peyton, moments that I will always remember because these are some of the only memories I have to share with my daughter.

Like the first time we saw her little heart beating on the screen. It took my breath away, I was probably about 6 weeks along. Her heart was about the size of a pin prick.

It was beautiful.

To hearing her heart actually beating. Just thumping away.

The most amazing sound in the world.

To when we found out we were having a little girl, we were beyond excited! (Well I was beyond excited, my husband was still hoping for a boy. But don't worry, he warmed up to having a daughter.) She was going to be daddy's little girl. We could finally pick a name and decorate the nursery. We started dreaming about who she would become. Would she be a teacher, dancer, lawyer? Whatever she would become, she would be ours, and we would be hers. I just knew that she would be one of those girls who could light up the room when she walked in. She would be full of love and light and maybe just a little dramatic.

God would use her for big, important things.

I remember feeling her kick for the first time. I was sitting at work and it felt like someone was tickling my insides. Those little tickles soon became big punches and kicks that I could see and feel from the outside.

I would eat spicy food and drink cold water just to feel her kick.

I loved seeing my belly grow.

I loved talking to her and telling her about all the awesome things we would do when she arrived.

I loved watching my sisters and brother talk to my belly and enjoyed that they were forming  a relationship with their niece even while she was in my womb.

I loved when my husband would lean over and rub my belly and tell her how much she meant to him.

My mom was slowly becoming a crazy grandma who would do and buy anything for her granddaughter, and I loved that too. Overall, I had a healthy pregnancy. No crazy morning sickness. Just some slight dizzy spells and occasional high blood pressure. Peyton was developing normally.

Every appointment went well, my doctor never thought there was any concern.

Everything felt so perfect. We were going to have a daughter.

We were going to be a little family of 3.

These are the things I want to remember about my time with Peyton.

The good things.
The happy times.
The moments that made me smile.
I want to remember my daughter as something joyful and wonderful.

Not a tragedy.

Yes, what happened to her was tragic, but she was not.
She was perfect. She is perfect.