My Husband.

Today, on our third wedding anniversary,  I just wanted to try and express in words how much my husband truly means to me. How much I am madly in love with him.
I'm not even sure if that is possible, but I'm going to try.
I can't believe we have been married three years already. Sometimes it feels longer, probably because we started dating in high school. Sometimes if feels shorter, because every day I am happy and excited to be with him (Well, okay....most days.)
I can still vividly remember the excitement of preparing to walk down the aisle and say our vows, the anxious butterflies, the happy tears, the joyful embraces.
I can remember standing with my dad and peeking through the windows into the sanctuary and seeing him standing at the end white as a ghost, but smiling ear to ear.
I remember thinking to myself, "I love that man."
When I think about my husband and our relationship, I can't help but smile.
I'm so thankful that I can call him mine.
I'm so thankful that he chose to be with me.
I can honestly say that I married my best friend.
He has been one of my best friends for almost 9 years now.
He is one of the most caring, selfless, funny, and amazing men I have ever gotten the honor to know.
He has taught me how to be a better friend and wife.
He works incredibly hard for our family every day, and never complains about it.
He has accepted me, flaws and all, and loves me regardless.
He pushes me to be a better person. To work harder. To love harder
This past year had some of the most joyful and most devastating moments in our relationship.
From finding out we were expecting, to finding out our sweet daughter was no longer with us.
Most people would let something like losing a child  tear a relationship down, become distant from one another.
For us however, it has made us closer then ever.
We now have an inseparable bond.
We experienced something that no parent would ever wish to experience.
We are truly the only ones who really "get it" and understand the pain it feels to lose a child. Our child.
We are both grieving in different ways, but it's nice to know that someone is there to share the pain with you. Help carry some of the burden.
Through it all we have learned that even in the toughest times, the darkest place, we have each other to rely on. And really that is all that matters.
I have been strong because he has been strong for me, even when I am at my weakest.
There were days I didn't feel like I could take another breath, my heart was so broken.
I didn't think I could find the strength to go on.
But he was there, pushing me to do so.
I thank God every day for giving me Jordan. I would not have it made it through the last few months without him by my side.
I would not be where I am and who I am today without him by my side.
I am proud of our relationship, that we are able to say even in the midst of tragedy we are closer and more in love then we were before.
I know he would have been the most amazing father to Peyton.
Well, he is an amazing father to her, by loving her and myself unconditionally.
I just know Peyton is looking down from Heaven and smiling because she is so proud of her father and the man he is.
Peyton is lucky to have a father like him, and I lucky to have him as my husband.

Pregnancy: My Time with Peyton

I have been thinking a lot about how I should start my story.
What I should write about first. 

I want anyone who reads this to know my whole journey including the heart-breaking, the confusing, the wishful, and especially the happy times. It's crazy to say that in the midst of tragedy there are happy moments, but in my journey there are, and the happiest moments are when I was pregnant. After all, being pregnant is truly the only memories I have of my daughter while she was still with us on Earth. Looking back now I realize how truly special that time was. I wish I had known then how much it would mean to me now.

Being pregnant was honestly one of my favorite things in the world.

As soon as I found out we were expecting, I was a mother. I had new purpose in the life, I was going to have a child. I was elated and glowing and overwhelmed all at the same time. It was a wonderful feeling knowing that I was sustaining a life inside of me. That God was giving me the honor of being with child.

My husband and I started planning our future with a little one on the way. We even bought a house because we wanted our child to have the perfect home. I shared some of the most incredible moments I'll ever have with Peyton, moments that I will always remember because these are some of the only memories I have to share with my daughter.

Like the first time we saw her little heart beating on the screen. It took my breath away, I was probably about 6 weeks along. Her heart was about the size of a pin prick.

It was beautiful.

To hearing her heart actually beating. Just thumping away.

The most amazing sound in the world.

To when we found out we were having a little girl, we were beyond excited! (Well I was beyond excited, my husband was still hoping for a boy. But don't worry, he warmed up to having a daughter.) She was going to be daddy's little girl. We could finally pick a name and decorate the nursery. We started dreaming about who she would become. Would she be a teacher, dancer, lawyer? Whatever she would become, she would be ours, and we would be hers. I just knew that she would be one of those girls who could light up the room when she walked in. She would be full of love and light and maybe just a little dramatic.

God would use her for big, important things.

I remember feeling her kick for the first time. I was sitting at work and it felt like someone was tickling my insides. Those little tickles soon became big punches and kicks that I could see and feel from the outside.

I would eat spicy food and drink cold water just to feel her kick.

I loved seeing my belly grow.

I loved talking to her and telling her about all the awesome things we would do when she arrived.

I loved watching my sisters and brother talk to my belly and enjoyed that they were forming  a relationship with their niece even while she was in my womb.

I loved when my husband would lean over and rub my belly and tell her how much she meant to him.

My mom was slowly becoming a crazy grandma who would do and buy anything for her granddaughter, and I loved that too. Overall, I had a healthy pregnancy. No crazy morning sickness. Just some slight dizzy spells and occasional high blood pressure. Peyton was developing normally.

Every appointment went well, my doctor never thought there was any concern.

Everything felt so perfect. We were going to have a daughter.

We were going to be a little family of 3.

These are the things I want to remember about my time with Peyton.

The good things.
The happy times.
The moments that made me smile.
I want to remember my daughter as something joyful and wonderful.

Not a tragedy.

Yes, what happened to her was tragic, but she was not.
She was perfect. She is perfect.

One Year.

One Year ago today I found out I was pregnant.
It was Mother's Day.
About 31 weeks later on December 12, 2011 I gave birth to our precious daughter, Peyton Grace. Who was already embraced in the loving arms of our Lord.
Thinking back over the last year I realize now how fast time goes.
How different the dreams I had a year ago are from the dreams I have now.
How fast life changes.
How you can plan and plan for something, that in the end is taken from you before you really even have a chance to have it.
How I really have no control over some things in my life.
How crazy it is to think that this is my life, my journey, my story. 
A story that I now want to be sharing with all of you.

I've been journaling since we lost Peyton. It really helps to express what I'm feeling when I put it in writing. Even if it's sometimes just a jumble of feelings and words. I've been wanting to start a blog for a few months now and I don't know what has been stopping me or why it took me so long to actually start.
But here I am.
My hope is that anyone who comes across this blog will learn about my daughter and how special she was to so many people, especially my husband and I.
That sharing what I have and will experience will further help my journey of grief and healing. Because if I have learned anything through the loss of Peyton, it's that grief is really a journey.
I also am hopeful that through this blog people will realize that although Peyton was born still, she was still born.
She was loved by many and had a life inside my womb.
I want people to know that it is okay to talk about Peyton, it is okay to talk about stillbirth.
And who knows maybe some mother who has lost a baby in the same way I have will come across this blog and know that they are not alone.
That they were given this life because they are strong enough to make it through.
That we will survive this and in the end be stronger because of it.
Because after all, aren't we all just surviving.