Capture Your Grief Day 5: Journal

This was one of my earlier journal entries.
I find a lot of healing through words.
Most of the pages are filled with inspirational quotes, letters to Peyton.
A jumble of words to express how I was feeling.
Some doodles, of course.

As I was reading back through some of the pages,
I was immediately brought back into the raw emotional feelings of grief I had so often then.
It was hard for me to read some of them without feeling consumed with pain.
I was pretending to be strong then...though I felt incredibly weak.
People always make comments about how strong I am.
How they couldn't imagine going through such a loss.
I never really saw it the way others do.
I was strong because I had to be.
I really had no other choice.
Maybe I should give myself more credit, but that feels so strange to me.
I wish so badly I could go back and tell myself that I would survive.
That everyday would get a little easier.
That I would still have hard times, but I was capable of being strong.
That maybe, I really am strong.

Capture Your Grief Day 4: Now

This is me now...

Jordan (the hubs) snapped this picture of us last week.
My days are now spent caring for this sweet boy, Isaac.
The days are filled with his laughter.
He has helped me heal in ways I never thought possible.
He keeps my mind busy with his needs.
He fills the aching pain in my arms I felt after Peyton died,
The arms that so desperately wanted to hold a baby.
I am thankful for Isaac and his rainbow of light he brings to me.
But I still miss Peyton every single day.
It has been 2 years, 9 months, and 24 days since I last held her in my arms.
When I told her "hello" and "goodbye" at the same time.
I would say now, I am mostly happy.
The smile I had to fake for so long comes more naturally.
I have a good life and don't feel the sting of grief so often as I used to.
However,
I am left with crippling anxiety that I might never be without.
I worry about Isaac and his life more than is probably normal.
I am fearful he will also be taken too soon.
I've come to realize grief is both a blessing and a curse.
Yes, I have more fear of losing loved ones because death has touched me so deeply.
But this also means I love deeper than I ever have before.
It really makes me remember to take each day as a blessing.
To never miss an opportunity to tell someone you love them.
Now I choose to heal and not let myself become a victim of grief.
Now I choose happiness instead of pain.
Now I choose to live in the moment and be thankful for my journey.

Capture Your Grief Day 3: Before

This is me Before...

Before I knew the crippling heartache I would feel in just about 4 weeks.
Before I would be thrown into an emotional grief journey that would push me further than I ever imagined.
Yes, I knew babies died, but I was naive.
I heard the stories, but I never thought it would happen to me.
I was young, healthy, had wonderful (and still do) husband.
I was glowing with excitement, ready to bring my precious baby girl into the world.
I would laugh boldly.
Sing at the top of my lungs.
I wasn't afraid of much. Especially not death.
I had never been faced with any real hardships.
I had never questioned my faith.

I miss that carefree girl with the sparkle in her eyes.
I miss the feeling of easiness.


My heart grew a hole the day my daughter and it can't be completely filled again on this Earth.
I see my life in two separate times now.
I am not that person in this photo anymore and I won't ever be her again.
I may have lost some sparkle but I have gained so much,
such courage and purpose.

...And I'm okay with this most days.

Capture Your Grief Day 2: Heart

"i carry your heart ( I carry it in my heart)"
-E.E. Cummings

Peyton Grace McFadin 

Born into our Heavenly Fathers arms 

December 12, 2011 at 4:44pm. 

She was a tiny little thing, only weighing 4lbs 14oz. 

She had brown curly hair, and a cute button nose. 

Long fingers and toes.

The prettiest pink lips I've ever seen. 

She was beautiful and she was ours.

I experienced the most joyous love and intense heartache I will ever have, all in the same moment.

Time stood still.

Our first born and only daughter. 

We never got to see her take her first breath, or first steps.

None of the hopes and dreams we had for her will ever come true. 

But Peyton lives on in my heart. 

She is kept safe there.

I carry her through life 

and I've learned to be her mother from Earth while she resides in Heaven. 

It's a strange blessing to know the pain of such a loss.

You look at the world differently and for that I am thankful for my daughter. 

I'll continue to carry Peyton in my heart for as long as I'm breathing...
and I hold on to God's promise that one day I will see her again. 

Capture Your Grief Day 1: Sunrise

As I woke this morning,
I immediately peaked out my window and was met with a dark haunting sky.
I knew the sun would be rising soon and I was thankful to have a moment to sit and reflect on the month of October and what it means to all the other loss mothers and families I share a connection with. How this month would be filled with emotional moments of grief as we remember our babies who left this earth to soon.
As the light started to break through the darkness, I realized it was cloudy and overcast.
Not at all what I pictured when I thought of a beautiful sunrise to start this healing journey with.
I took a photo anyways.

I so wanted to capture the sun breaking through the trees in the backyard of the home we bought while I was pregnant with Peyton.
The clouds were too thick and I'm no photographer so I had no idea how to make this image any prettier.

But you know what...

Even on the cloudiest days the sun still rises.
Life will keep moving.
Thinking back on days I didn't care if the sun ever rose again...
how desperately I wished I could pull the covers over my head and never leave my bed.
They were cloudy. Almost a haze.
Somehow I did it though,  I broke through those cloudy moments of grief and despair and
learned to find light and happiness again.
It's been a slow journey and I still have hard moments, days even.
But in those moments I know that no matter what
I will see light through the clouds and the sun will shine down on me once again.