6 months: Story of Peyton's Birth

6 months have gone by. Half a year. 
I can't even begin to explain how crazy this feels to me.
How it seems just like yesterday, yet so very far away.
6 whole months since I gave birth to our precious daughter, Peyton Grace.
6 months and two days ago I was doing some last minute Christmas shopping.
It was December 10th 2011. I was waddling around store to store, only about a month away from our due date with my husband who was so graciously putting up with his very pregnant wife. It was a long day.
When we got home I remember telling him that I hadn't felt Peyton move much that day and was slightly concerned. It was late, I figured maybe she was just sleeping. I was moving around a lot, so I thought I had just missed it.
I went to bed worried sick though.
I think I knew at that point something was wrong, but would not let myself believe it. I was up all night pushing and poking at my belly.
Waiting for just a nudge back. Even a tiny one. I needed some sort of reassurance. By the time morning rolled around I still hadn't felt her move.
So I drank some coffee, because that always made her wiggle around.
I can remember my husband talking to my belly and telling her "move for mommy."I laid on each of my sides like they tell you to do, and waited.
An hour or so went by.
Nothing. No movement.
At that point we decided it was time to go to the hospital. Just to make sure.
On the drive there I kept thinking I would feel her move and we could turn around and go home.
My mom met us at the hospital.
I remember like it was yesterday.
Walking in those doors.
Riding the elevator up to labor and delivery.
Calling the nurse on the phone and telling her I was 35 weeks pregnant and had not felt my baby move in quite some time.
The nurse taking us back to a room.
Laying on the hard hospital bed.
Feeling the cold gel being place on my very round pregnant belly.
The nurse running the Doppler over it.
Over and over again.
Nothing.
There was no heartbeat.
I'm pretty sure she said something about the baby being turned a weird way and thats why we couldn't hear it.
I don't know how long it was until the doctor showed up.
I can't remember much about that time.
My husband and mom were sitting beside me. I remember my mom saying something about bringing home a baby soon. I had so many random thoughts running through my head. I was really thinking that I was going to have to have some sort of emergency c-section and we would be bringing Peyton home soon.
The doctor finally arrived.
They brought in an ultrasound machine.
I was a bundle of nerves and questions, but I would not let my mind go to a dark place. I was trying to be positive.
I remember staring at the screen and looking at my baby girl.
I looked for a while, trying to make sense of what I was seeing.
Noticing where her head was, her arms, stomach, and legs. 
There was no movement though. Everything was just still.
I was looking for her heart. I couldn't see it. It wasn't beating.
I eventually turned my head towards my husband and mom and just shook my head.
Tears were starting to stream down my face.
I knew a that point she was no longer with us.
About the same moment the doctor said " I'm sorry hun..."
Who knows what she said after that.
My world had collapsed.
Everything became so hazy.
I was still. I was watching my life move around me and I was stuck in some weird parallel universe.  Where I couldn't speak or move or do anything but cry.
My husband and mom ran to me. We embraced and cried.
I kept saying "NO. This can't be happening, this isn't real."
I was so numb. I was so confused.
How could my daughter not have a heartbeat? I just heard it a week ago.
How could she not be moving? What does this even mean? What now?!
I guess at some point the doctor and nurses had left us alone and when they returned they started talking about what would happen next.
They gave me some options. I could go home and wait to go into labor on my own, have a c-section, or they could induce me.
They told me I could take all the time I needed to decide.
My immediate thought was to have a c-section. I didn't think I was strong enough to go through labor knowing that my sweet baby girl was not alive.
At that point I just wanted it all to be over and to be home.
Eventually we started discussing more about what I wanted to do.
My original birth plan was to do everything natural and drug free.  I never wanted a c-section, ever. I knew the recovery time would be longer and a few of the nurses told me that I might at some point in my life regret not actually delivering her naturally.
They started monitoring me,I was already having contractions and was also dilated. My body was already going into labor.
We decided to wait it out over night and if labor was still progressing in the morning I would not have a c-section.
I was given Cervadil to help move things along.
They told us that they believed Peyton died because of an infection in my uterus.
So they started me on antibiotics because they were afraid the infection would spread and make me sick.
Later, we found out there was a blood clot in her umbilical cord and they are 99.9% sure that was the actual cause of her death.
Then we waited.
I was so numb. I was not letting my mind think about how awful and tragic everything was. I was shut off. I was in shock
I know I kept thinking that this wasn't real. That it was some nightmare and I would wake up any minute. That everything would be normal again. That I would be home with my husband finishing up her nursery, or just hanging out.
I couldn't sleep that whole night, even after they gave me sleeping medicine.
Instead, I just hallucinated. Yes. The pictures on the wall were talking to me.
Around 8 that morning they came in and checked my progress. I was dilated more and having contractions, I couldn't feel them much.
I got an epidural pretty soon after because I didn't think I could physically deliver her if I felt any pain.
After that everything was a waiting game, like how most deliveries are.
Family and friends were in and out of my room the whole time. I didn't mind. I was thankful for everyone who came to support us and pray with me.
I was extremely grateful to have such amazing and I mean really amazing nurses. They were hurting with me and I know it wasn't easy for them to be there.
It was a very easy delivery.
Although I was in labor for close to 24 hours. I felt nothing.
Around 4 or so in the afternoon they told me it was time to push.
At 4:44 on December 12, 2011 I gave birth to our beautiful daughter Peyton Grace.
I cried, she did not. 
Our doctor prayed with us immediately after and I will never forget that.
It was so thoughtful of her to do that with us and it gave me some sort of peace.
We got to hold Peyton and tell her how much we loved her. We spent time just the 3 of us. At first I wasn't sure I could hold her, didn't know if I wanted to.
I'm so glad I did. She was beautiful and perfect in every way. Tiny little thing, not even 5 lbs. She had perfect little red lips and a cute button nose. Her hair was light brown and looked a lot like her daddy. Her toes were the cutest I have ever seen.
Our family came in and also got to hold her if they chose to.
There was somber feeling in the air. Nobody really said much, there were tears and prayers. I felt blessed to have such support and love. Blessed to see my family spend time with her. We knew she was no longer with us on earth, but I believe it helped to give us all some closure.
6 whole months since the best/worst day of my life.
Some days all I want to do is crawl in bed, curl up, and cry. Some days I do.
Most days I'm okay. Not good, but okay...and I think that I can make it through. That this is just a sad part of my journey. Not my whole journey.
I realize now that Peyton's life, though too short, has impacted so many other lives. Not just mine and my husband. Her life was as important as anyones life. Her life deserves to be talked about, just as yours and mine will be.
I miss her more then anything and I wish so bad I could go back 6 months ago and change what happened. My heart will always have a hole because she is not with us. I think about her everyday, want her here with me everyday.
I lean on the hope that one day I will get to hold her again and I truly can't wait for that day.

Warning: Angry Words Ahead.

Today I am angry.
I am angry at SO. MANY. THINGS.
Things that I know I should not be angry about, but can't seem to help it.
I am angry at parents who hurt and abuse their babies or children.
I am angry at moms who smoke, drink, and/ or do drugs during their pregnancy and have perfectly healthy babies.
I am angry at people who have babies and can't even afford their own place to live.
I am angry at anyone who has had an abortion.   
I am angry that God allows babies to suffer.
I am angry God did not stop my baby from dying.
I am angry when people say things like:
"Everything happens for a reason." No, I don't think that Peyton died for a reason. There is no reason for this.
"I could never go on if I lost my baby." Yes, yes you would. Because you have to. Because people need you to.
"At least you know you can have kids." I'm sorry. That doesn't bring my daughter back or make it okay because I  might have another baby one day.
"At least you are still young" Because I'm only 25 and will hopefully have more kids, it makes it easier on me? No, it does not. My daughter still died.
"She's in a better place now." Yes, this may be true. For some reason though, it has been bothering me lately to hear this. I think she would have had a great life here.With me.

I am angry at God.

I have never been angry at God before, so this in a new experience for me.
I have always been religious and trusted in God to lead me. I  have always believed he would protect me.
In my small human mind I can't comprehend why he would take my daughter away and allow others who may not be fit to parent have a child.
I did everything right. I got married, then got pregnant. We have a great, loving relationship. I didn't smoke, drink, or do drugs. Didn't even eat lunch meat, because I heard it might hurt my baby.
We had our own house and decent jobs.
I prayed every day that Peyton would be healthy. That everything would be okay.
Why would God not allow for my child to live, when I try so hard to live according to his word?
I know, I know, who am I to say who deserves a child and who doesn't?
I know this sounds irrational, maybe crazy.
Maybe this makes me seem bitter or mean.
For now, I don't care. 
Maybe it makes me seem conceited, to say that I deserve a child more then someone else.
For now, I don't care.
I'm not saying I'm perfect by any means. Just that I felt I was doing things the right way.
The way God would want me to do things.
I think being honest about how I'm feeling is the only way I can move forward.
Plus, if people really want to know my story. I guess they are going to get to know the angry parts of it too. The crazy thoughts running around in my head.
This is been on my mind for a few weeks now. I know its unhealthy, so that is why I'm just going to put it all out there. Even if I seem like the worst person ever.
I will admit I have let my relationship with my Lord slowly fall apart. I don't know what to pray about anymore. I feel my prayers are not heard. Church makes me angry, because every time I go there are babies everywhere. I feel like God is throwing it in my face.
Grocery stores even make me angry. There are pregnant women and babies all over. I mean really?! I want to scream at God "WHY ME?! WHY CAN"T I HAVE MY DAUGHTER?!"
At first, I was feeling guilty. Guilty that I could feel such anger towards God, who I have known and loved and counted on my entire life. I can still hardly believe that I'm writing this, that I'm going to allow people to read this.
I guess in some way I resent him right now.
What God allows for someone who trusts in him to go through this?
To let a baby they so desperately loved and wanted just die.
Of course my mind starts turning and I question my own self.
What kind of Christian gets angry at God?! Is it okay to be angry at God? What does he think of me when I'm upset wit him? Do I really resent him? Will he still comfort me if I'm angry at him? Should I even be allowed to be this angry?
I know he is probably so disappointed in how I'm acting towards him.
I know that I should not be acting this way towards him. I just can't help it right now.
I started really thinking about it and I came to the conclusion.
God is my heavenly father.
My FATHER.
When I was younger and mad at my dad, he didn't hate me because I was mad at him about something.
He loved me through it. He usually just told me to get over it. "That's life baby."
I know God understands. After all , I'm only human and I have so many faults.
I am blessed that he loves me regardless and in spite of my faults.
He forgives me. He will continue to forgive me.
Hopefully even when I'm angry at him he will forgive me for it.
I know Anger is a stage of grief and in order to accept what has happened, I have to be angry.
So, for this time in my life I'm going to allow myself to be angry at God. Angry at all those women and parents who don't act like parents should. Even angry at people who have babies, when I don't.
If that makes me a horrible person, then so be it. 
Things happen that are out of our control. Out of my control. And I hate that.
We can't change them or take them back or make them disappear...no matter how much we want to be able to.
Things happen, my daughter died, and I am angry about it.