Happy Birthday Peyton Grace

Today on December 12, 2012 our Peyton Grace would have turned one year old.

I can still vividly remember this day last year. Almost every moment of it is etched in my mind.

For some reason this is okay with me though, I always want to remember my daughter and the day she was born, because after all she was born.

I have gone 365 days without her.
Just typing that number gives me chills.

I have survived 365 days without my daughter and am still fighting.

How long is a year really? I mean, I know how many days it is, but how long does it really feel....?
Why do some years feel shorter and some years seem longer?
For me, this year has felt like eternity.

The longest year I have ever had. 

It has been emotionally much longer than just 365 days.

Some of it is a blur to me, where I was so consumed with grief I couldn't even begin to tell you what I was doing.
Some days I thought I was never going to make it to the next day without being a completely crazy, insane, emotional mess. Somehow, someway, I would though. Or at least most days.

Needless to say, this year has been the most challenging, emotional year I have ever experienced.

I have had days where I didn't want to get out of bed because I couldn't bare the thought of living a single moment longer without my daughter here with me.

Days where I cried for hours.

Days where I shut myself off emotional, so that I could actually breathe without feeling the heart wrenching agony.

I have also had some good days.

Days where I laughed more than cried.

Days where I felt happiness again.

Days where I thought that I can actually survive this grief.

Everyday, without fail, I have thought of her.

Everyday, I have wondered what her personality would be like.

How big she would have grown.

What her favorite foods would be.

What her favorite toys would be.

How adorable she would be.

I don't really know how to explain how I feel emotionally about living one year without my daughter.
Or how I will feel when it's two years or twenty years.
I feel extremely sad and overwhelmed about it, but I know at the end of the day I can't change what has happened.
I have healed in ways I never thought I would, yet still feel like I am missing a piece of my heart.
I will always be missing that piece of my heart.

Peyton has taught me more about myself and what life really is in just this year then I have probably learned my entire life. It is incredibly amazing to think that my daughter, who never even really had the opportunity to experience her own journey, has taught me about my journey.

My daughter has taught me to never take a single day for granted.
Taught me I am stronger than I ever thought possible.
She has taught me it's okay to feel vulnerable.
Taught me that even on the darkest days, there is some reason to smile.
My daughter has taught me to express how you are feeling regardless of how painful it is.
She has taught me not everything happens for a reason.
Taught me about acceptance.
She has taught me about forgiveness.
My daughter has taught me that not all mothers and fathers have children on Earth.
She has taught me to love unconditionally.
My daughter has taught me all this and much more and for that I am thankful.

Today I will be thankful for the time I had with her, even if it was only 35 short weeks.
Be thankful that she is embraced in our loving Father's arms.

Today I will remember that I am blessed to be the mother of a beautiful baby girl.

Today I will celebrate her life. 

I will celebrate her life for as long as my life continues.

Happy Birthday Peyton Grace.

Miss you so much my precious little girl.

Remembrance

I woke up this morning with a heavy heart thinking about all the precious babies that left this Earth too soon.
All the families missing their babies that they never really got a chance to know.
October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.
Please take a moment today to think about all the families that have lost a baby.
This is especially important and close to my heart.
I feel an important part of honoring Peyton's life is to bring more awareness to the subject of stillbirth, along with miscarriages and infant loss.

I had the honor to participate in a remembrance walk and ceremony put on by an organization called M.E.N.D (Mommies Enduring Neonatal Death).
It was absolutely heart wrenching to see so many other mothers and families that have experienced a loss of a baby.
During the ceremony each baby was called by name and an ornament was placed on a tree in remembrance of them.
There was also a speaker who talked about the loss of her son to SIDS and at the end there was a beautiful balloon release. 

It was emotional. 

Part of me felt amazing that I wasn't alone in my grief, while another part of me was heart broken for all the other families who had to feel the same pain as I do.
I do not wish this pain on anyone. Ever.
There were a lot of precious babies being remembered and who are missed greatly.

I sat there at one point thinking to myself "WOW. So many families are here, yet nobody is talking about this...why isn't anybody talking about this?!"
Most of the Dallas area had no clue that there were 700 (maybe more, I'm awful with estimating) people gathering to remember the loss of their babies.
I can't understand why this is still so taboo.
Nobody wants to talk about it, yet it is happening EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

Did you know that there is a baby born still every 20 minutes in the United States alone?? That's about 71 a day. About 25, 915 babies are stillborn every year just in the United States.
This doesn't even include miscarriages and infant loss that are just as painful to families.
Most people don't realize how many families are affected by this until it happens to them.
Then sadly they enter into a club.
A whole new world, of grieving, misunderstood parents.
Who feel so alone.
Who are told to move on.
Told that their precious baby wasn't even on Earth, so it shouldn't hurt so bad.
Forced to look at life in a whole new way.
Staring death right in the face.
Their whole emotional and physical well-being is changed in some way or another.

After we first lost Peyton, a lot of the time I felt like I had to let people know that I was doing okay.
That I would be okay.

There were very few people I felt I could open up to and really let in.
When someone talked to me about Peyton , if they did at all, I was reassuring them that I was going to be just fine.
When really I was struggling to make sense of what I was feeling, the pain, the anger, the hopelessness.
Sometimes I felt like I should just talk more then them, rambling on about how I was doing just fine because I was afraid there would be some awkward silence where they didn't know what to say.
I didn't want to hear the silence.
I did this a lot the first few months.
I almost felt like I had to make sure family and friends felt okay, that I wasn't making them uncomfortable or sad.
I was also protecting myself.
I was afraid people would say something that would make me break down.
I was fragile, so I built a wall.
Faked my smiles.
Now I look back and sometimes wish that I were more honest with people.
That I would have expressed exactly how I was feeling regardless.
Really make people see that Peyton had a life.
Nobody could really understand but maybe if I had opened up more then they would have.
I hope in some way my blog has done this.
Made people aware of what it is like to lose a baby.
I also hope that maybe people won't be so afraid to open up and talk about Peyton or their own loss(es).
I don't want any other parent to have to hold back what they are feeling.

Please. Let's start talking about it. Let's spread awareness on this subject.

Not only about stillbirth but also about infant loss and miscarriages. 

Even infertility. I know that can also be hard and change your life in some way or another.

I feel, especially as women, that we need to talk to each other about this and open up.

Let's help each other. Talking about it can be painful, but it can also heal the soul.

Here are some Pictures from the M.E.N.D Walk to Remember that I wanted to share:

                                                      My sister, myself, and my mom

                                                           Ornament for Peyton

                                                    Hanging Peyton's ornament on the tree

                                     
                                               Balloon release for all the beautiful babies

Breathing

Breathing feels easier.
Almost natural again.
I breath in.
I breath out.
I don't feel that tightness in my chest.
The swelling of tears is almost distant.
There isn't a constant struggle of forcing emotions back.
I'm not hiding them.
I breath in.
I breath out.
There is an ease about me.
A calm.
Is it peace?
Is it what I have been waiting for?
I breath in.
I breath out.
Will I sink again?
Feel emotional and broken?
Sadness still looms over me.
I'm still missing a piece of  my heart.
I breath in.
I breath out.
I can feel Peyton's presence around me.
The sun breaking through the clouds on a rainy day.
The soft whisper of the wind that blows around me.
She's there.
In everything I do.
I breath in.
She'll always be there.
I breath out.


That pretty much just poured out of me today and so there it is.
I've been feeling really okay lately.
Good almost.
Although, I'm scared to say that because I know how grief works and at any second I feel like I could be knocked down again. I'm thankful for the break in feeling so emotional and I'll gladly take it for as long as it wants to stay around.
I think about Peyton a lot.
When I wake up my mind usually goes to her first.
For the longest time I felt so sad about her.
I couldn't talk much about her without feeling the urge to bury myself in a hole and cry. Occasionally I still do.
However, for the most part I'm feeling peaceful about her. 
When I do feel sad, it's not as much for me as it used to be.
I don't always feel my body aching for her.
My arms wanting to hold her again.
I'm sad mainly for her.
Wishing she had more of a chance at life. Wishing that her life wasn't cut way, way too short. Wishing she had a chance to really live.
To do something spontaneous or just experience normal, everyday things.
Like learning to walk or saying her first words.
She missed out and that is what makes me saddest right now.
I've learned to accept that I can't change what happened.
I just have to keep moving froward with my life.
I've learned that Peyton will always be a part of my life.
A daughter who didn't get a chance to really live.
I'm learning that sadness might also always be a part of me now, in some way or another, but I won't let it define who I truly am.

Grief.

The phrase “good grief” does not make sense to me.
I'm looking at the saying very literal. I probably shouldn't, but I am. I don't know where it comes from or what it is suppose to mean, but I honestly, for the life of me don't understand how anyone could grieve good.

Grief is painful and heart shattering.

It tugs at your soul and aches in your chest.

It's exhausting beyond anything I have ever experienced.

It sometimes comes out in anger, where you want to scream at the top of your lungs “I CAN'T F***ING DO THIS ANYMORE.”

It is numbing at times.

Stopping you out of nowhere.

You don't feel like you can breathe or take one step forward without completely melting down.

At the same time bending you as far as you can without actually breaking you.
Sometimes grief comes in the form of distance.

Removing yourself from anyone and anything that reminds you of your child.

It makes you want. Want for your daughter to be here so badly. Want her near you. Laughing and learning. Or maybe want another child of your own.

Because you are a mother.

I keep thinking I need to be going through the stages of grief like some kind of robot. “Denial. Check. Anger. Check. Bargaining. Check. Wait...I”m angry again. That doesn't make sense. That's not what I was taught.”

I used to think once I started moving through these stages I would eventually be like “BAM! Acceptance. I can totally move on with my life now”

That however, is not the case. At all.

Grief to me is more like the ocean. That moves, changes and breathes life within it. The waves crash down over and over. The tide comes in and goes out. It's never the same. You sometimes don't even know the huge tidal wave of sadness is about to rush over you.

I want for the ocean to calm. I want to feel like I can swim to the other side and it be okay.
For now it doesn't. For now it feels like a big ocean that goes on forever and I'm just lost there.

Floating. Sometimes paddling to save my life.

I want to wake up and not have to think about how much I'm hurting or if I'm going to make it through the day without feeling like a crazy person. I want to feel a sense of normalcy again.

I'm so exhausted with grief. So exhausted with feeling completely weak and vulnerable all the time. Feeling like if one person says one small comment about anything that makes me think about Peyton and why she isn't here with me, it will completely break me.

I don't want to feel that vulnerability. I want feel strong and brave and know that no matter how consumed by grief I am, I will be okay. I will make it to the other side.

That I will find some new normal.

I can't stop the grief. I can't make it go away or change it.
I guess I just have to do it. I just have to grief. 

I am accepting grief. That's part of healing... right?!

Change

Have any of you ever stared at yourself in the mirror? I mean really stared. So long that you become something almost unrecognizable. When you stare too long everything kind of blurs and then comes back into focus, but you don't always see what you saw in yourself before. You are changed.
Your face looks like a strangers would. You don't even recognize your own eyes.
Then you think to yourself ...who am I? Who really am I?!

Lately I have been feeling consumed with figuring out what I am doing with my life...what my purpose is. Where I am going. Who I am.
I am not the same person I was before I had Peyton.
I am completely changed and nothing could have prepared me for this change.
I will never be the same person I was before.
I have felt sorrow and pain like nothing I have ever experienced and that will forever shape who I am for the rest of my life.
My relationships with everyone I know has changed in some way.
I feel like people look at me differently now and I guess they should, because I am different.
I have grown extremely close to some and with others have no relationship with at all anymore.
I've met and read about some incredibly strong women who have gone through a similiar loss as I have and felt more connected to them than people I have known my entire life.
I don't feel the same way about myself anymore either. My body will never be the same.
I will never look at myself the way I did before we lost Peyton.
I will never look at pregnancy, birth, or babies the same way I used to.
I don't think it will ever be an innocent, happy time for myself and that breaks my heart.
I am forever changed.
I have never been good with change and now I have been hit full on with overwhelming changes.
I feel like I am in high school all over again trying to decide what the next step I should be taking is.
I am running towards the next step as hard as can, but not actually getting to where I am suppose to be going.
I guess because I don't know where or what it is I am running towards.
For so long, even before I was married, I always pictured myself as one day being a mother.
I didn't know when that day would come, but like most girls, I always had that dream.
When I found out I was expecting, I immediately became a mother.
I had a found a purpose.
I didn't particularly care anymore what my career was going to be.
I was going to be a mom and that was good enough for me.
After losing Peyton I no longer felt like I had a purpose in life.
I started re-evaluating everything I was doing with my life. I struggled with going back to my job.
I tried and tried to get back to a "normal" routine but failed.
I was having panic attacks and severe anxiety about returning to work. After trying a handful of different medications to help and a month or two of feeling like a zombie.
I decided I was just going to have to deal without the help of medication.
Because with or without medication I still couldn't bear the thought of sitting at the desk where I had first felt her kick.
Needless to say... I left my job and started a new one. 
However, here I am still. Trying to figure out what I really want to do with my life.
How I can use my story to help others who may have gone through a similar loss.
I need guidance on what my next step is.
God and I aren't on the best of terms right now. I still feel anger towards him, but I am going to lean on him to give me strength and help me figure out what I am doing with my life.
I mean after all, wasn't this his plan from the beginning?
He knew this would happen.
He knew all the changes I would experience.
Now I need him to show me the way, because I for one am at a complete loss.
I know as long as I am here on Earth I will never understand why I lost my daughter, most days I am at peace with that.
I do however need to know what I should be doing with my life now.
How I should be moving forward.
I am praying that all these changes in my life are worth something and will eventually mean something to me besides misery.
I am praying that God shows me what is next.
I am going to ask you all for prayers... because I don't think I can do it alone. 
Change is hard, but I am hopeful that one day I can look back at my life and know that I have found new meaning in life. One that isn't full of heartache.



Missing you so much my sweet Peyton Grace. It's been 7 months since I got to hold you. 
Can't wait to see you again someday.

Fighting

It's been almost a month since my last post. The last one took a lot out of me emotionally and I think I just needed some time to reflect. I started a few but never got very far on them. Maybe I can actually finish one today.  I think I am just going to ramble on about all the silly, insane thoughts in my head, because that's how I have been feeling lately.
Crazy. Insane. A little all over the place.
You have been warned.
I haven't really been experiencing one strong emotion. I guess I have kind of been a mess of emotions. Sadness, anger, guilt. Even occasional happiness. They all hit me at different times and without warning.
I know I mask my feelings a lot with my family and friends, but I don't want people to feel like they have to tiptoe around me to make sure I am okay. I really am okay. Not happy or perfect, but who really is? I feel like if I pretend I am happy even when I am not, eventually I will actually be happy.
Yesterday was Independence Day, every time there is a holiday or another milestone that passes I really think about my sweet Peyton and what she would be doing.
How big she would be.
What she would look like.
What new thing she would have learned that week.
Makes me incredibly sad to think that she never got to celebrate the 4th of July, as silly as that sounds. Even though I was surrounded by people who I love and care about to celebrate, I couldn't help but feel like someone was missing.
That Peyton was missing.
It made me wonder if I am always going to feel this big, gaping hole in my heart because Peyton is not with us. I pray some day it will be filled with peace, but for now it's just filled with pain and guilt.
I've been experiencing a lot of guilty feeling towards myself lately.
As a mother you are suppose to protect and care for your children.
I feel like I let Peyton down, that I should have known something was wrong or that my body should have protected her.
I had blood work done in March, after my hormones had settled...to see if I had a clotting disorder that could have caused the clot in the umbilical cord. Results came back normal and I do not have any clotting disorder. Which I am extremely thankful for, but that also means that Peyton's death was basically just one big freak accident with no meaning at all. Which completely annoys me.
How can I ever love myself again if I feel like I am the one who did this to my child?! I know I didn't actually kill my daughter, but in a way my body did.
My body completely failed her. Stupid blood clot killing my perfect daughter.
Stupid body allowing it to happen. To not fight harder for her.
Now I am the one fighting.
Fighting to regain control of my life.
Fighting to find a purpose again.
Fighting depression.
Fighting for normal.
Fighting to love myself.
Fighting for happiness.
Fighting for some way to move on from losing the most precious thing I have ever and will ever have.
If only my body had fought a little harder.
How different would it be? I would be in a completely different place, doing completely different things with my life.
I would be a mother fighting every day for my child. Instead of only fighting for myself.
I'm making a pledge to myself that I will continue to fight for happiness, love, a purpose...because I know that is what Peyton would want me to do.
I want her to be proud of who I am.
I'm not giving up. I won't give up. I will fight, because I deserve to be happy again.
Or at least that is what I am going to keep telling myself.

6 months: Story of Peyton's Birth

6 months have gone by. Half a year. 
I can't even begin to explain how crazy this feels to me.
How it seems just like yesterday, yet so very far away.
6 whole months since I gave birth to our precious daughter, Peyton Grace.
6 months and two days ago I was doing some last minute Christmas shopping.
It was December 10th 2011. I was waddling around store to store, only about a month away from our due date with my husband who was so graciously putting up with his very pregnant wife. It was a long day.
When we got home I remember telling him that I hadn't felt Peyton move much that day and was slightly concerned. It was late, I figured maybe she was just sleeping. I was moving around a lot, so I thought I had just missed it.
I went to bed worried sick though.
I think I knew at that point something was wrong, but would not let myself believe it. I was up all night pushing and poking at my belly.
Waiting for just a nudge back. Even a tiny one. I needed some sort of reassurance. By the time morning rolled around I still hadn't felt her move.
So I drank some coffee, because that always made her wiggle around.
I can remember my husband talking to my belly and telling her "move for mommy."I laid on each of my sides like they tell you to do, and waited.
An hour or so went by.
Nothing. No movement.
At that point we decided it was time to go to the hospital. Just to make sure.
On the drive there I kept thinking I would feel her move and we could turn around and go home.
My mom met us at the hospital.
I remember like it was yesterday.
Walking in those doors.
Riding the elevator up to labor and delivery.
Calling the nurse on the phone and telling her I was 35 weeks pregnant and had not felt my baby move in quite some time.
The nurse taking us back to a room.
Laying on the hard hospital bed.
Feeling the cold gel being place on my very round pregnant belly.
The nurse running the Doppler over it.
Over and over again.
Nothing.
There was no heartbeat.
I'm pretty sure she said something about the baby being turned a weird way and thats why we couldn't hear it.
I don't know how long it was until the doctor showed up.
I can't remember much about that time.
My husband and mom were sitting beside me. I remember my mom saying something about bringing home a baby soon. I had so many random thoughts running through my head. I was really thinking that I was going to have to have some sort of emergency c-section and we would be bringing Peyton home soon.
The doctor finally arrived.
They brought in an ultrasound machine.
I was a bundle of nerves and questions, but I would not let my mind go to a dark place. I was trying to be positive.
I remember staring at the screen and looking at my baby girl.
I looked for a while, trying to make sense of what I was seeing.
Noticing where her head was, her arms, stomach, and legs. 
There was no movement though. Everything was just still.
I was looking for her heart. I couldn't see it. It wasn't beating.
I eventually turned my head towards my husband and mom and just shook my head.
Tears were starting to stream down my face.
I knew a that point she was no longer with us.
About the same moment the doctor said " I'm sorry hun..."
Who knows what she said after that.
My world had collapsed.
Everything became so hazy.
I was still. I was watching my life move around me and I was stuck in some weird parallel universe.  Where I couldn't speak or move or do anything but cry.
My husband and mom ran to me. We embraced and cried.
I kept saying "NO. This can't be happening, this isn't real."
I was so numb. I was so confused.
How could my daughter not have a heartbeat? I just heard it a week ago.
How could she not be moving? What does this even mean? What now?!
I guess at some point the doctor and nurses had left us alone and when they returned they started talking about what would happen next.
They gave me some options. I could go home and wait to go into labor on my own, have a c-section, or they could induce me.
They told me I could take all the time I needed to decide.
My immediate thought was to have a c-section. I didn't think I was strong enough to go through labor knowing that my sweet baby girl was not alive.
At that point I just wanted it all to be over and to be home.
Eventually we started discussing more about what I wanted to do.
My original birth plan was to do everything natural and drug free.  I never wanted a c-section, ever. I knew the recovery time would be longer and a few of the nurses told me that I might at some point in my life regret not actually delivering her naturally.
They started monitoring me,I was already having contractions and was also dilated. My body was already going into labor.
We decided to wait it out over night and if labor was still progressing in the morning I would not have a c-section.
I was given Cervadil to help move things along.
They told us that they believed Peyton died because of an infection in my uterus.
So they started me on antibiotics because they were afraid the infection would spread and make me sick.
Later, we found out there was a blood clot in her umbilical cord and they are 99.9% sure that was the actual cause of her death.
Then we waited.
I was so numb. I was not letting my mind think about how awful and tragic everything was. I was shut off. I was in shock
I know I kept thinking that this wasn't real. That it was some nightmare and I would wake up any minute. That everything would be normal again. That I would be home with my husband finishing up her nursery, or just hanging out.
I couldn't sleep that whole night, even after they gave me sleeping medicine.
Instead, I just hallucinated. Yes. The pictures on the wall were talking to me.
Around 8 that morning they came in and checked my progress. I was dilated more and having contractions, I couldn't feel them much.
I got an epidural pretty soon after because I didn't think I could physically deliver her if I felt any pain.
After that everything was a waiting game, like how most deliveries are.
Family and friends were in and out of my room the whole time. I didn't mind. I was thankful for everyone who came to support us and pray with me.
I was extremely grateful to have such amazing and I mean really amazing nurses. They were hurting with me and I know it wasn't easy for them to be there.
It was a very easy delivery.
Although I was in labor for close to 24 hours. I felt nothing.
Around 4 or so in the afternoon they told me it was time to push.
At 4:44 on December 12, 2011 I gave birth to our beautiful daughter Peyton Grace.
I cried, she did not. 
Our doctor prayed with us immediately after and I will never forget that.
It was so thoughtful of her to do that with us and it gave me some sort of peace.
We got to hold Peyton and tell her how much we loved her. We spent time just the 3 of us. At first I wasn't sure I could hold her, didn't know if I wanted to.
I'm so glad I did. She was beautiful and perfect in every way. Tiny little thing, not even 5 lbs. She had perfect little red lips and a cute button nose. Her hair was light brown and looked a lot like her daddy. Her toes were the cutest I have ever seen.
Our family came in and also got to hold her if they chose to.
There was somber feeling in the air. Nobody really said much, there were tears and prayers. I felt blessed to have such support and love. Blessed to see my family spend time with her. We knew she was no longer with us on earth, but I believe it helped to give us all some closure.
6 whole months since the best/worst day of my life.
Some days all I want to do is crawl in bed, curl up, and cry. Some days I do.
Most days I'm okay. Not good, but okay...and I think that I can make it through. That this is just a sad part of my journey. Not my whole journey.
I realize now that Peyton's life, though too short, has impacted so many other lives. Not just mine and my husband. Her life was as important as anyones life. Her life deserves to be talked about, just as yours and mine will be.
I miss her more then anything and I wish so bad I could go back 6 months ago and change what happened. My heart will always have a hole because she is not with us. I think about her everyday, want her here with me everyday.
I lean on the hope that one day I will get to hold her again and I truly can't wait for that day.

Warning: Angry Words Ahead.

Today I am angry.
I am angry at SO. MANY. THINGS.
Things that I know I should not be angry about, but can't seem to help it.
I am angry at parents who hurt and abuse their babies or children.
I am angry at moms who smoke, drink, and/ or do drugs during their pregnancy and have perfectly healthy babies.
I am angry at people who have babies and can't even afford their own place to live.
I am angry at anyone who has had an abortion.   
I am angry that God allows babies to suffer.
I am angry God did not stop my baby from dying.
I am angry when people say things like:
"Everything happens for a reason." No, I don't think that Peyton died for a reason. There is no reason for this.
"I could never go on if I lost my baby." Yes, yes you would. Because you have to. Because people need you to.
"At least you know you can have kids." I'm sorry. That doesn't bring my daughter back or make it okay because I  might have another baby one day.
"At least you are still young" Because I'm only 25 and will hopefully have more kids, it makes it easier on me? No, it does not. My daughter still died.
"She's in a better place now." Yes, this may be true. For some reason though, it has been bothering me lately to hear this. I think she would have had a great life here.With me.

I am angry at God.

I have never been angry at God before, so this in a new experience for me.
I have always been religious and trusted in God to lead me. I  have always believed he would protect me.
In my small human mind I can't comprehend why he would take my daughter away and allow others who may not be fit to parent have a child.
I did everything right. I got married, then got pregnant. We have a great, loving relationship. I didn't smoke, drink, or do drugs. Didn't even eat lunch meat, because I heard it might hurt my baby.
We had our own house and decent jobs.
I prayed every day that Peyton would be healthy. That everything would be okay.
Why would God not allow for my child to live, when I try so hard to live according to his word?
I know, I know, who am I to say who deserves a child and who doesn't?
I know this sounds irrational, maybe crazy.
Maybe this makes me seem bitter or mean.
For now, I don't care. 
Maybe it makes me seem conceited, to say that I deserve a child more then someone else.
For now, I don't care.
I'm not saying I'm perfect by any means. Just that I felt I was doing things the right way.
The way God would want me to do things.
I think being honest about how I'm feeling is the only way I can move forward.
Plus, if people really want to know my story. I guess they are going to get to know the angry parts of it too. The crazy thoughts running around in my head.
This is been on my mind for a few weeks now. I know its unhealthy, so that is why I'm just going to put it all out there. Even if I seem like the worst person ever.
I will admit I have let my relationship with my Lord slowly fall apart. I don't know what to pray about anymore. I feel my prayers are not heard. Church makes me angry, because every time I go there are babies everywhere. I feel like God is throwing it in my face.
Grocery stores even make me angry. There are pregnant women and babies all over. I mean really?! I want to scream at God "WHY ME?! WHY CAN"T I HAVE MY DAUGHTER?!"
At first, I was feeling guilty. Guilty that I could feel such anger towards God, who I have known and loved and counted on my entire life. I can still hardly believe that I'm writing this, that I'm going to allow people to read this.
I guess in some way I resent him right now.
What God allows for someone who trusts in him to go through this?
To let a baby they so desperately loved and wanted just die.
Of course my mind starts turning and I question my own self.
What kind of Christian gets angry at God?! Is it okay to be angry at God? What does he think of me when I'm upset wit him? Do I really resent him? Will he still comfort me if I'm angry at him? Should I even be allowed to be this angry?
I know he is probably so disappointed in how I'm acting towards him.
I know that I should not be acting this way towards him. I just can't help it right now.
I started really thinking about it and I came to the conclusion.
God is my heavenly father.
My FATHER.
When I was younger and mad at my dad, he didn't hate me because I was mad at him about something.
He loved me through it. He usually just told me to get over it. "That's life baby."
I know God understands. After all , I'm only human and I have so many faults.
I am blessed that he loves me regardless and in spite of my faults.
He forgives me. He will continue to forgive me.
Hopefully even when I'm angry at him he will forgive me for it.
I know Anger is a stage of grief and in order to accept what has happened, I have to be angry.
So, for this time in my life I'm going to allow myself to be angry at God. Angry at all those women and parents who don't act like parents should. Even angry at people who have babies, when I don't.
If that makes me a horrible person, then so be it. 
Things happen that are out of our control. Out of my control. And I hate that.
We can't change them or take them back or make them disappear...no matter how much we want to be able to.
Things happen, my daughter died, and I am angry about it.

My Husband.

Today, on our third wedding anniversary,  I just wanted to try and express in words how much my husband truly means to me. How much I am madly in love with him.
I'm not even sure if that is possible, but I'm going to try.
I can't believe we have been married three years already. Sometimes it feels longer, probably because we started dating in high school. Sometimes if feels shorter, because every day I am happy and excited to be with him (Well, okay....most days.)
I can still vividly remember the excitement of preparing to walk down the aisle and say our vows, the anxious butterflies, the happy tears, the joyful embraces.
I can remember standing with my dad and peeking through the windows into the sanctuary and seeing him standing at the end white as a ghost, but smiling ear to ear.
I remember thinking to myself, "I love that man."
When I think about my husband and our relationship, I can't help but smile.
I'm so thankful that I can call him mine.
I'm so thankful that he chose to be with me.
I can honestly say that I married my best friend.
He has been one of my best friends for almost 9 years now.
He is one of the most caring, selfless, funny, and amazing men I have ever gotten the honor to know.
He has taught me how to be a better friend and wife.
He works incredibly hard for our family every day, and never complains about it.
He has accepted me, flaws and all, and loves me regardless.
He pushes me to be a better person. To work harder. To love harder
This past year had some of the most joyful and most devastating moments in our relationship.
From finding out we were expecting, to finding out our sweet daughter was no longer with us.
Most people would let something like losing a child  tear a relationship down, become distant from one another.
For us however, it has made us closer then ever.
We now have an inseparable bond.
We experienced something that no parent would ever wish to experience.
We are truly the only ones who really "get it" and understand the pain it feels to lose a child. Our child.
We are both grieving in different ways, but it's nice to know that someone is there to share the pain with you. Help carry some of the burden.
Through it all we have learned that even in the toughest times, the darkest place, we have each other to rely on. And really that is all that matters.
I have been strong because he has been strong for me, even when I am at my weakest.
There were days I didn't feel like I could take another breath, my heart was so broken.
I didn't think I could find the strength to go on.
But he was there, pushing me to do so.
I thank God every day for giving me Jordan. I would not have it made it through the last few months without him by my side.
I would not be where I am and who I am today without him by my side.
I am proud of our relationship, that we are able to say even in the midst of tragedy we are closer and more in love then we were before.
I know he would have been the most amazing father to Peyton.
Well, he is an amazing father to her, by loving her and myself unconditionally.
I just know Peyton is looking down from Heaven and smiling because she is so proud of her father and the man he is.
Peyton is lucky to have a father like him, and I lucky to have him as my husband.

Pregnancy: My Time with Peyton

I have been thinking a lot about how I should start my story.
What I should write about first. 

I want anyone who reads this to know my whole journey including the heart-breaking, the confusing, the wishful, and especially the happy times. It's crazy to say that in the midst of tragedy there are happy moments, but in my journey there are, and the happiest moments are when I was pregnant. After all, being pregnant is truly the only memories I have of my daughter while she was still with us on Earth. Looking back now I realize how truly special that time was. I wish I had known then how much it would mean to me now.

Being pregnant was honestly one of my favorite things in the world.

As soon as I found out we were expecting, I was a mother. I had new purpose in the life, I was going to have a child. I was elated and glowing and overwhelmed all at the same time. It was a wonderful feeling knowing that I was sustaining a life inside of me. That God was giving me the honor of being with child.

My husband and I started planning our future with a little one on the way. We even bought a house because we wanted our child to have the perfect home. I shared some of the most incredible moments I'll ever have with Peyton, moments that I will always remember because these are some of the only memories I have to share with my daughter.

Like the first time we saw her little heart beating on the screen. It took my breath away, I was probably about 6 weeks along. Her heart was about the size of a pin prick.

It was beautiful.

To hearing her heart actually beating. Just thumping away.

The most amazing sound in the world.

To when we found out we were having a little girl, we were beyond excited! (Well I was beyond excited, my husband was still hoping for a boy. But don't worry, he warmed up to having a daughter.) She was going to be daddy's little girl. We could finally pick a name and decorate the nursery. We started dreaming about who she would become. Would she be a teacher, dancer, lawyer? Whatever she would become, she would be ours, and we would be hers. I just knew that she would be one of those girls who could light up the room when she walked in. She would be full of love and light and maybe just a little dramatic.

God would use her for big, important things.

I remember feeling her kick for the first time. I was sitting at work and it felt like someone was tickling my insides. Those little tickles soon became big punches and kicks that I could see and feel from the outside.

I would eat spicy food and drink cold water just to feel her kick.

I loved seeing my belly grow.

I loved talking to her and telling her about all the awesome things we would do when she arrived.

I loved watching my sisters and brother talk to my belly and enjoyed that they were forming  a relationship with their niece even while she was in my womb.

I loved when my husband would lean over and rub my belly and tell her how much she meant to him.

My mom was slowly becoming a crazy grandma who would do and buy anything for her granddaughter, and I loved that too. Overall, I had a healthy pregnancy. No crazy morning sickness. Just some slight dizzy spells and occasional high blood pressure. Peyton was developing normally.

Every appointment went well, my doctor never thought there was any concern.

Everything felt so perfect. We were going to have a daughter.

We were going to be a little family of 3.

These are the things I want to remember about my time with Peyton.

The good things.
The happy times.
The moments that made me smile.
I want to remember my daughter as something joyful and wonderful.

Not a tragedy.

Yes, what happened to her was tragic, but she was not.
She was perfect. She is perfect.

One Year.

One Year ago today I found out I was pregnant.
It was Mother's Day.
About 31 weeks later on December 12, 2011 I gave birth to our precious daughter, Peyton Grace. Who was already embraced in the loving arms of our Lord.
Thinking back over the last year I realize now how fast time goes.
How different the dreams I had a year ago are from the dreams I have now.
How fast life changes.
How you can plan and plan for something, that in the end is taken from you before you really even have a chance to have it.
How I really have no control over some things in my life.
How crazy it is to think that this is my life, my journey, my story. 
A story that I now want to be sharing with all of you.

I've been journaling since we lost Peyton. It really helps to express what I'm feeling when I put it in writing. Even if it's sometimes just a jumble of feelings and words. I've been wanting to start a blog for a few months now and I don't know what has been stopping me or why it took me so long to actually start.
But here I am.
My hope is that anyone who comes across this blog will learn about my daughter and how special she was to so many people, especially my husband and I.
That sharing what I have and will experience will further help my journey of grief and healing. Because if I have learned anything through the loss of Peyton, it's that grief is really a journey.
I also am hopeful that through this blog people will realize that although Peyton was born still, she was still born.
She was loved by many and had a life inside my womb.
I want people to know that it is okay to talk about Peyton, it is okay to talk about stillbirth.
And who knows maybe some mother who has lost a baby in the same way I have will come across this blog and know that they are not alone.
That they were given this life because they are strong enough to make it through.
That we will survive this and in the end be stronger because of it.
Because after all, aren't we all just surviving.