Today I am angry.
I am angry at SO. MANY. THINGS.
Things that I know I should not be angry about, but can't seem to help it.
I am angry at parents who hurt and abuse their babies or children.
I am angry at moms who smoke, drink, and/ or do drugs during their pregnancy and have perfectly healthy babies.
I am angry at people who have babies and can't even afford their own place to live.
I am angry at anyone who has had an abortion.
I am angry that God allows babies to suffer.
I am angry God did not stop my baby from dying.
I am angry when people say things like:
"Everything happens for a reason." No, I don't think that Peyton died for a reason. There is no reason for this.
"I could never go on if I lost my baby." Yes, yes you would. Because you have to. Because people need you to.
"At least you know you can have kids." I'm sorry. That doesn't bring my daughter back or make it okay because I might have another baby one day.
"At least you are still young" Because I'm only 25 and will hopefully have more kids, it makes it easier on me? No, it does not. My daughter still died.
"She's in a better place now." Yes, this may be true. For some reason though, it has been bothering me lately to hear this. I think she would have had a great life here.With me.
I am angry at God.
I have never been angry at God before, so this in a new experience for me.
I have always been religious and trusted in God to lead me. I have always believed he would protect me.
In my small human mind I can't comprehend why he would take my daughter away and allow others who may not be fit to parent have a child.
I did everything right. I got married, then got pregnant. We have a great, loving relationship. I didn't smoke, drink, or do drugs. Didn't even eat lunch meat, because I heard it might hurt my baby.
We had our own house and decent jobs.
I prayed every day that Peyton would be healthy. That everything would be okay.
Why would God not allow for my child to live, when I try so hard to live according to his word?
I know, I know, who am I to say who deserves a child and who doesn't?
I know this sounds irrational, maybe crazy.
Maybe this makes me seem bitter or mean.
For now, I don't care.
Maybe it makes me seem conceited, to say that I deserve a child more then someone else.
For now, I don't care.
I'm not saying I'm perfect by any means. Just that I felt I was doing things the right way.
The way God would want me to do things.
I think being honest about how I'm feeling is the only way I can move forward.
Plus, if people really want to know my story. I guess they are going to get to know the angry parts of it too. The crazy thoughts running around in my head.
This is been on my mind for a few weeks now. I know its unhealthy, so that is why I'm just going to put it all out there. Even if I seem like the worst person ever.
I will admit I have let my relationship with my Lord slowly fall apart. I don't know what
to pray about anymore. I feel my prayers are not heard. Church
makes me angry, because every time I go there are babies everywhere. I
feel like God is throwing it in my face.
Grocery stores even make me angry. There are pregnant women and babies all over. I mean really?! I want to scream at God "WHY ME?! WHY CAN"T I HAVE MY DAUGHTER?!"
At first, I was feeling guilty. Guilty that I could feel such anger towards God, who I have known and loved and counted on my entire life. I can still hardly believe that I'm writing this, that I'm going to allow people to read this.
I guess in some way I resent him right now.
What God allows for someone who trusts in him to go through this?
To let a baby they so desperately loved and wanted just die.
Of course my mind starts turning and I question my own self.
What kind of Christian gets angry at God?! Is it okay to be angry at God? What does he think of me when I'm upset wit him? Do I really resent him? Will he still comfort me if I'm angry at him? Should I even be allowed to be this angry?
I know he is probably so disappointed in how I'm acting towards him.
I know that I should not be acting this way towards him. I just can't help it right now.
I started really thinking about it and I came to the conclusion.
God is my heavenly father.
My FATHER.
When I was younger and mad at my dad, he didn't hate me because I was mad at him about something.
He loved me through it. He usually just told me to get over it. "That's life baby."
I know God understands. After all , I'm only human and I have so many faults.
I am blessed that he loves me regardless and in spite of my faults.
He forgives me. He will continue to forgive me.
Hopefully even when I'm angry at him he will forgive me for it.
I know Anger is a stage of grief and in order to accept what has happened, I have to be angry.
So, for this time in my life I'm going to allow myself to be angry at God. Angry at all those women and parents who don't act like parents should. Even angry at people who have babies, when I don't.
If that makes me a horrible person, then so be it.
Things happen that are out of our control. Out of my control. And I hate that.
We can't change them or take them back or make them disappear...no matter how much we want to be able to.
Things happen, my daughter died, and I am angry about it.
I don't want to be any contribution to angry thoughts so I hope this encouraging, but it's okay to be angry at God. That's the great thing about God, he's big enough to handle it. Whatever you can dish out, he can take. He just wants honesty and in anger we are often the most honest.
ReplyDeleteYou are in a good place. I don't think God is concerned with what emotion we are feeling as much as God is concerned with our honesty. You are being honest.
ReplyDeleteMy salvation experience was a time of honesty. I had to come to the realization of how much I hated God to see how much I really needed what God had done for me. Be angry. It is a human emotion created by God, and everything God created is good. Tell God how you feel. God wants to hear you say it.
I don't think any of this makes you a horrible person. I think it makes you human and God created us to have emotions, just like Him. I can only imagine that if Peyton had lived and one day been angry at you, that not for one second would you ever have loved her any less, and that if she was hurting, more than anything you would want to hold her and take away her pain. Just like your father, and just like your Heavenly Father do for you. Sometimes I think there are times when, as humans, words fail us, but the Lord created your heart and doesn't need your words to understand it. I know that your heart sings for God, even when you are angry at Him, and that He completely understands the emotions that come from losing a child. I love you!
ReplyDeleteOh I know everything you're feeling. I was in this slump of being angry not very long ago and probably will be again. I have heard all those remarks people have said to you, too. A lady who attended Wiley's funeral came up to me and said, "You're young. You can always have more children." I wanted to punch her in the face right then and there. I actually wrote a post about 2 months ago on the exact same thing. How it isn't fair all these other people have healthy and alive babies and I don't. I didn't even eat lunch meat either! It's okay to feel this way. God can take it. I flip flop on my feelings all the time. I think my email is on my profile, email me anytime!
ReplyDeleteAllie, I am sure you have been mad at me at some point. I really do not know if it's helpful for me to be there, or to step back. But, I at least want you to know something. I just really want you to be happy. I really wish Peyton were here. I start sobbing when I think of this and I am crying now. I wish I could wash away your pain, I really love you. If I seem more distant at family gatherings sometimes I think it's cause I don't know what to say because I feel like there has to be resentment there, even if you don't feel that way. I think that is ok... I won't try to make you feel any different and honestly I don't think it's bad to have any of those feelings. It doesn't make you a bad person at all. In fact I think you are wonderful and you deserve so much. (and I miss knowing you better and playing dog catcher with you :) ) I truly do care and I miss her even though I didn't have the chance to meet her. and I hope you find peace and I hope you feel loved constantly and know that your family thinks about you and your family. I hope this doesn't sound crazy or weird. but I really just wanted to tell you that I care.
ReplyDeleteYou may not feel like it, but you are a courageous person, Allie. Courageous to step out in all honesty and be real with the Lord and to others who read your blog. I think that's what God wanted from the beginning. Honesty. He asked Adam and Eve why they were hiding! If they had come to Him when they messed up and was honest, who knows what would have been different. Anyhow.... I haven't lost as much as you have but I have lost and I have felt angry at God. Every month that has gone by for 17 years that I wasn't pregnant, I have been angry with God in various degrees. Many other minor things I've been angry about too. But yeah.... I get really really hacked off at teens who keep their babies and not give them to loving more mature homes. Angry at people throwing babies away everyday.
ReplyDeleteWell.... you get what I'm sayin. But yeah... You are courageous. Keep being honest. It really does help others. Why can't we be more honest in our churches. We think we have to be perfect and happy go lucky at church with masks. We should be the most honest people with each other than anyone else! What does the Bible say? Confess to one another so you may be healed!! Healed. How can some kinds of pain so deep be healed. It can.
I'm sure you've been told that the grieving process doesn't have a time frame. It's different for everyone. Take your time. I'll be prayin!