6 months: Story of Peyton's Birth

6 months have gone by. Half a year. 
I can't even begin to explain how crazy this feels to me.
How it seems just like yesterday, yet so very far away.
6 whole months since I gave birth to our precious daughter, Peyton Grace.
6 months and two days ago I was doing some last minute Christmas shopping.
It was December 10th 2011. I was waddling around store to store, only about a month away from our due date with my husband who was so graciously putting up with his very pregnant wife. It was a long day.
When we got home I remember telling him that I hadn't felt Peyton move much that day and was slightly concerned. It was late, I figured maybe she was just sleeping. I was moving around a lot, so I thought I had just missed it.
I went to bed worried sick though.
I think I knew at that point something was wrong, but would not let myself believe it. I was up all night pushing and poking at my belly.
Waiting for just a nudge back. Even a tiny one. I needed some sort of reassurance. By the time morning rolled around I still hadn't felt her move.
So I drank some coffee, because that always made her wiggle around.
I can remember my husband talking to my belly and telling her "move for mommy."I laid on each of my sides like they tell you to do, and waited.
An hour or so went by.
Nothing. No movement.
At that point we decided it was time to go to the hospital. Just to make sure.
On the drive there I kept thinking I would feel her move and we could turn around and go home.
My mom met us at the hospital.
I remember like it was yesterday.
Walking in those doors.
Riding the elevator up to labor and delivery.
Calling the nurse on the phone and telling her I was 35 weeks pregnant and had not felt my baby move in quite some time.
The nurse taking us back to a room.
Laying on the hard hospital bed.
Feeling the cold gel being place on my very round pregnant belly.
The nurse running the Doppler over it.
Over and over again.
Nothing.
There was no heartbeat.
I'm pretty sure she said something about the baby being turned a weird way and thats why we couldn't hear it.
I don't know how long it was until the doctor showed up.
I can't remember much about that time.
My husband and mom were sitting beside me. I remember my mom saying something about bringing home a baby soon. I had so many random thoughts running through my head. I was really thinking that I was going to have to have some sort of emergency c-section and we would be bringing Peyton home soon.
The doctor finally arrived.
They brought in an ultrasound machine.
I was a bundle of nerves and questions, but I would not let my mind go to a dark place. I was trying to be positive.
I remember staring at the screen and looking at my baby girl.
I looked for a while, trying to make sense of what I was seeing.
Noticing where her head was, her arms, stomach, and legs. 
There was no movement though. Everything was just still.
I was looking for her heart. I couldn't see it. It wasn't beating.
I eventually turned my head towards my husband and mom and just shook my head.
Tears were starting to stream down my face.
I knew a that point she was no longer with us.
About the same moment the doctor said " I'm sorry hun..."
Who knows what she said after that.
My world had collapsed.
Everything became so hazy.
I was still. I was watching my life move around me and I was stuck in some weird parallel universe.  Where I couldn't speak or move or do anything but cry.
My husband and mom ran to me. We embraced and cried.
I kept saying "NO. This can't be happening, this isn't real."
I was so numb. I was so confused.
How could my daughter not have a heartbeat? I just heard it a week ago.
How could she not be moving? What does this even mean? What now?!
I guess at some point the doctor and nurses had left us alone and when they returned they started talking about what would happen next.
They gave me some options. I could go home and wait to go into labor on my own, have a c-section, or they could induce me.
They told me I could take all the time I needed to decide.
My immediate thought was to have a c-section. I didn't think I was strong enough to go through labor knowing that my sweet baby girl was not alive.
At that point I just wanted it all to be over and to be home.
Eventually we started discussing more about what I wanted to do.
My original birth plan was to do everything natural and drug free.  I never wanted a c-section, ever. I knew the recovery time would be longer and a few of the nurses told me that I might at some point in my life regret not actually delivering her naturally.
They started monitoring me,I was already having contractions and was also dilated. My body was already going into labor.
We decided to wait it out over night and if labor was still progressing in the morning I would not have a c-section.
I was given Cervadil to help move things along.
They told us that they believed Peyton died because of an infection in my uterus.
So they started me on antibiotics because they were afraid the infection would spread and make me sick.
Later, we found out there was a blood clot in her umbilical cord and they are 99.9% sure that was the actual cause of her death.
Then we waited.
I was so numb. I was not letting my mind think about how awful and tragic everything was. I was shut off. I was in shock
I know I kept thinking that this wasn't real. That it was some nightmare and I would wake up any minute. That everything would be normal again. That I would be home with my husband finishing up her nursery, or just hanging out.
I couldn't sleep that whole night, even after they gave me sleeping medicine.
Instead, I just hallucinated. Yes. The pictures on the wall were talking to me.
Around 8 that morning they came in and checked my progress. I was dilated more and having contractions, I couldn't feel them much.
I got an epidural pretty soon after because I didn't think I could physically deliver her if I felt any pain.
After that everything was a waiting game, like how most deliveries are.
Family and friends were in and out of my room the whole time. I didn't mind. I was thankful for everyone who came to support us and pray with me.
I was extremely grateful to have such amazing and I mean really amazing nurses. They were hurting with me and I know it wasn't easy for them to be there.
It was a very easy delivery.
Although I was in labor for close to 24 hours. I felt nothing.
Around 4 or so in the afternoon they told me it was time to push.
At 4:44 on December 12, 2011 I gave birth to our beautiful daughter Peyton Grace.
I cried, she did not. 
Our doctor prayed with us immediately after and I will never forget that.
It was so thoughtful of her to do that with us and it gave me some sort of peace.
We got to hold Peyton and tell her how much we loved her. We spent time just the 3 of us. At first I wasn't sure I could hold her, didn't know if I wanted to.
I'm so glad I did. She was beautiful and perfect in every way. Tiny little thing, not even 5 lbs. She had perfect little red lips and a cute button nose. Her hair was light brown and looked a lot like her daddy. Her toes were the cutest I have ever seen.
Our family came in and also got to hold her if they chose to.
There was somber feeling in the air. Nobody really said much, there were tears and prayers. I felt blessed to have such support and love. Blessed to see my family spend time with her. We knew she was no longer with us on earth, but I believe it helped to give us all some closure.
6 whole months since the best/worst day of my life.
Some days all I want to do is crawl in bed, curl up, and cry. Some days I do.
Most days I'm okay. Not good, but okay...and I think that I can make it through. That this is just a sad part of my journey. Not my whole journey.
I realize now that Peyton's life, though too short, has impacted so many other lives. Not just mine and my husband. Her life was as important as anyones life. Her life deserves to be talked about, just as yours and mine will be.
I miss her more then anything and I wish so bad I could go back 6 months ago and change what happened. My heart will always have a hole because she is not with us. I think about her everyday, want her here with me everyday.
I lean on the hope that one day I will get to hold her again and I truly can't wait for that day.