I can still vividly remember this day last year. Almost every moment of it is etched in my mind.
For some reason this is okay with me though, I always want to remember my daughter and the day she was born, because after all she was born.
I have gone 365 days without her.
Just typing that number gives me chills.
I have survived 365 days without my daughter and am still fighting.
How long is a year really? I mean, I know how many days it is, but how long does it really feel....?
Why do some years feel shorter and some years seem longer?
For me, this year has felt like eternity.
Just typing that number gives me chills.
I have survived 365 days without my daughter and am still fighting.
How long is a year really? I mean, I know how many days it is, but how long does it really feel....?
Why do some years feel shorter and some years seem longer?
For me, this year has felt like eternity.
The longest year I have ever had.
It has been emotionally much longer than just 365 days.
Some of it is a blur to me, where I was so consumed with grief I couldn't even begin to tell you what I was doing.
Some days I thought I was never going to make it to the next day without being a completely crazy, insane, emotional mess. Somehow, someway, I would though. Or at least most days.
Some days I thought I was never going to make it to the next day without being a completely crazy, insane, emotional mess. Somehow, someway, I would though. Or at least most days.
Needless to say, this year has been the most challenging, emotional year I have ever experienced.
I have had days where I didn't want to get out of bed because I couldn't bare the thought of living a single moment longer without my daughter here with me.
Days where I cried for hours.
Days where I shut myself off emotional, so that I could actually breathe without feeling the heart wrenching agony.
I have also had some good days.
Days where I laughed more than cried.
Days where I felt happiness again.
Days where I thought that I can actually survive this grief.
Everyday, without fail, I have thought of her.
Everyday, I have wondered what her personality would be like.
How big she would have grown.
What her favorite foods would be.
What her favorite toys would be.
How adorable she would be.
I don't really know how to explain how I feel emotionally about living one year without my daughter.
Or how I will feel when it's two years or twenty years.
I feel extremely sad and overwhelmed about it, but I know at the end of the day I can't change what has happened.
I have healed in ways I never thought I would, yet still feel like I am missing a piece of my heart.
I will always be missing that piece of my heart.
Peyton has taught me more about myself and what life really is in just this year then I have probably learned my entire life. It is incredibly amazing to think that my daughter, who never even really had the opportunity to experience her own journey, has taught me about my journey.
My daughter has taught me to never take a single day for granted.
Taught me I am stronger than I ever thought possible.
She has taught me it's okay to feel vulnerable.
Taught me that even on the darkest days, there is some reason to smile.
My daughter has taught me to express how you are feeling regardless of how painful it is.
She has taught me not everything happens for a reason.
Taught me about acceptance.
She has taught me about forgiveness.
My daughter has taught me that not all mothers and fathers have children on Earth.
She has taught me to love unconditionally.
My daughter has taught me all this and much more and for that I am thankful.
Today I will be thankful for the time I had with her, even if it was only 35 short weeks.
Be thankful that she is embraced in our loving Father's arms.
Or how I will feel when it's two years or twenty years.
I feel extremely sad and overwhelmed about it, but I know at the end of the day I can't change what has happened.
I have healed in ways I never thought I would, yet still feel like I am missing a piece of my heart.
I will always be missing that piece of my heart.
Peyton has taught me more about myself and what life really is in just this year then I have probably learned my entire life. It is incredibly amazing to think that my daughter, who never even really had the opportunity to experience her own journey, has taught me about my journey.
My daughter has taught me to never take a single day for granted.
Taught me I am stronger than I ever thought possible.
She has taught me it's okay to feel vulnerable.
Taught me that even on the darkest days, there is some reason to smile.
My daughter has taught me to express how you are feeling regardless of how painful it is.
She has taught me not everything happens for a reason.
Taught me about acceptance.
She has taught me about forgiveness.
My daughter has taught me that not all mothers and fathers have children on Earth.
She has taught me to love unconditionally.
My daughter has taught me all this and much more and for that I am thankful.
Today I will be thankful for the time I had with her, even if it was only 35 short weeks.
Be thankful that she is embraced in our loving Father's arms.
Today I will remember that I am blessed to be the mother of a beautiful baby girl.
Today I will celebrate her life.
I will celebrate her life for as long as my life continues.
Happy Birthday Peyton Grace.
Miss you so much my precious little girl.
beautifully written <3
ReplyDeleteAllie, My Mom found your blog while searching for or my blog... our daughters names are the same. I lost my Peyton Grace on November 17th 2012, at 39wks. After reading some of your posts, I feel so much comfort knowing you have been able to weave the life of your Peyton into your own life. Thank you for sharing your story!
ReplyDeleteThinking of you and your sweet angel baby!
Jenna