Remembrance

I woke up this morning with a heavy heart thinking about all the precious babies that left this Earth too soon.
All the families missing their babies that they never really got a chance to know.
October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.
Please take a moment today to think about all the families that have lost a baby.
This is especially important and close to my heart.
I feel an important part of honoring Peyton's life is to bring more awareness to the subject of stillbirth, along with miscarriages and infant loss.

I had the honor to participate in a remembrance walk and ceremony put on by an organization called M.E.N.D (Mommies Enduring Neonatal Death).
It was absolutely heart wrenching to see so many other mothers and families that have experienced a loss of a baby.
During the ceremony each baby was called by name and an ornament was placed on a tree in remembrance of them.
There was also a speaker who talked about the loss of her son to SIDS and at the end there was a beautiful balloon release. 

It was emotional. 

Part of me felt amazing that I wasn't alone in my grief, while another part of me was heart broken for all the other families who had to feel the same pain as I do.
I do not wish this pain on anyone. Ever.
There were a lot of precious babies being remembered and who are missed greatly.

I sat there at one point thinking to myself "WOW. So many families are here, yet nobody is talking about this...why isn't anybody talking about this?!"
Most of the Dallas area had no clue that there were 700 (maybe more, I'm awful with estimating) people gathering to remember the loss of their babies.
I can't understand why this is still so taboo.
Nobody wants to talk about it, yet it is happening EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

Did you know that there is a baby born still every 20 minutes in the United States alone?? That's about 71 a day. About 25, 915 babies are stillborn every year just in the United States.
This doesn't even include miscarriages and infant loss that are just as painful to families.
Most people don't realize how many families are affected by this until it happens to them.
Then sadly they enter into a club.
A whole new world, of grieving, misunderstood parents.
Who feel so alone.
Who are told to move on.
Told that their precious baby wasn't even on Earth, so it shouldn't hurt so bad.
Forced to look at life in a whole new way.
Staring death right in the face.
Their whole emotional and physical well-being is changed in some way or another.

After we first lost Peyton, a lot of the time I felt like I had to let people know that I was doing okay.
That I would be okay.

There were very few people I felt I could open up to and really let in.
When someone talked to me about Peyton , if they did at all, I was reassuring them that I was going to be just fine.
When really I was struggling to make sense of what I was feeling, the pain, the anger, the hopelessness.
Sometimes I felt like I should just talk more then them, rambling on about how I was doing just fine because I was afraid there would be some awkward silence where they didn't know what to say.
I didn't want to hear the silence.
I did this a lot the first few months.
I almost felt like I had to make sure family and friends felt okay, that I wasn't making them uncomfortable or sad.
I was also protecting myself.
I was afraid people would say something that would make me break down.
I was fragile, so I built a wall.
Faked my smiles.
Now I look back and sometimes wish that I were more honest with people.
That I would have expressed exactly how I was feeling regardless.
Really make people see that Peyton had a life.
Nobody could really understand but maybe if I had opened up more then they would have.
I hope in some way my blog has done this.
Made people aware of what it is like to lose a baby.
I also hope that maybe people won't be so afraid to open up and talk about Peyton or their own loss(es).
I don't want any other parent to have to hold back what they are feeling.

Please. Let's start talking about it. Let's spread awareness on this subject.

Not only about stillbirth but also about infant loss and miscarriages. 

Even infertility. I know that can also be hard and change your life in some way or another.

I feel, especially as women, that we need to talk to each other about this and open up.

Let's help each other. Talking about it can be painful, but it can also heal the soul.

Here are some Pictures from the M.E.N.D Walk to Remember that I wanted to share:

                                                      My sister, myself, and my mom

                                                           Ornament for Peyton

                                                    Hanging Peyton's ornament on the tree

                                     
                                               Balloon release for all the beautiful babies