Fighting

It's been almost a month since my last post. The last one took a lot out of me emotionally and I think I just needed some time to reflect. I started a few but never got very far on them. Maybe I can actually finish one today.  I think I am just going to ramble on about all the silly, insane thoughts in my head, because that's how I have been feeling lately.
Crazy. Insane. A little all over the place.
You have been warned.
I haven't really been experiencing one strong emotion. I guess I have kind of been a mess of emotions. Sadness, anger, guilt. Even occasional happiness. They all hit me at different times and without warning.
I know I mask my feelings a lot with my family and friends, but I don't want people to feel like they have to tiptoe around me to make sure I am okay. I really am okay. Not happy or perfect, but who really is? I feel like if I pretend I am happy even when I am not, eventually I will actually be happy.
Yesterday was Independence Day, every time there is a holiday or another milestone that passes I really think about my sweet Peyton and what she would be doing.
How big she would be.
What she would look like.
What new thing she would have learned that week.
Makes me incredibly sad to think that she never got to celebrate the 4th of July, as silly as that sounds. Even though I was surrounded by people who I love and care about to celebrate, I couldn't help but feel like someone was missing.
That Peyton was missing.
It made me wonder if I am always going to feel this big, gaping hole in my heart because Peyton is not with us. I pray some day it will be filled with peace, but for now it's just filled with pain and guilt.
I've been experiencing a lot of guilty feeling towards myself lately.
As a mother you are suppose to protect and care for your children.
I feel like I let Peyton down, that I should have known something was wrong or that my body should have protected her.
I had blood work done in March, after my hormones had settled...to see if I had a clotting disorder that could have caused the clot in the umbilical cord. Results came back normal and I do not have any clotting disorder. Which I am extremely thankful for, but that also means that Peyton's death was basically just one big freak accident with no meaning at all. Which completely annoys me.
How can I ever love myself again if I feel like I am the one who did this to my child?! I know I didn't actually kill my daughter, but in a way my body did.
My body completely failed her. Stupid blood clot killing my perfect daughter.
Stupid body allowing it to happen. To not fight harder for her.
Now I am the one fighting.
Fighting to regain control of my life.
Fighting to find a purpose again.
Fighting depression.
Fighting for normal.
Fighting to love myself.
Fighting for happiness.
Fighting for some way to move on from losing the most precious thing I have ever and will ever have.
If only my body had fought a little harder.
How different would it be? I would be in a completely different place, doing completely different things with my life.
I would be a mother fighting every day for my child. Instead of only fighting for myself.
I'm making a pledge to myself that I will continue to fight for happiness, love, a purpose...because I know that is what Peyton would want me to do.
I want her to be proud of who I am.
I'm not giving up. I won't give up. I will fight, because I deserve to be happy again.
Or at least that is what I am going to keep telling myself.