Grief.

The phrase “good grief” does not make sense to me.
I'm looking at the saying very literal. I probably shouldn't, but I am. I don't know where it comes from or what it is suppose to mean, but I honestly, for the life of me don't understand how anyone could grieve good.

Grief is painful and heart shattering.

It tugs at your soul and aches in your chest.

It's exhausting beyond anything I have ever experienced.

It sometimes comes out in anger, where you want to scream at the top of your lungs “I CAN'T F***ING DO THIS ANYMORE.”

It is numbing at times.

Stopping you out of nowhere.

You don't feel like you can breathe or take one step forward without completely melting down.

At the same time bending you as far as you can without actually breaking you.
Sometimes grief comes in the form of distance.

Removing yourself from anyone and anything that reminds you of your child.

It makes you want. Want for your daughter to be here so badly. Want her near you. Laughing and learning. Or maybe want another child of your own.

Because you are a mother.

I keep thinking I need to be going through the stages of grief like some kind of robot. “Denial. Check. Anger. Check. Bargaining. Check. Wait...I”m angry again. That doesn't make sense. That's not what I was taught.”

I used to think once I started moving through these stages I would eventually be like “BAM! Acceptance. I can totally move on with my life now”

That however, is not the case. At all.

Grief to me is more like the ocean. That moves, changes and breathes life within it. The waves crash down over and over. The tide comes in and goes out. It's never the same. You sometimes don't even know the huge tidal wave of sadness is about to rush over you.

I want for the ocean to calm. I want to feel like I can swim to the other side and it be okay.
For now it doesn't. For now it feels like a big ocean that goes on forever and I'm just lost there.

Floating. Sometimes paddling to save my life.

I want to wake up and not have to think about how much I'm hurting or if I'm going to make it through the day without feeling like a crazy person. I want to feel a sense of normalcy again.

I'm so exhausted with grief. So exhausted with feeling completely weak and vulnerable all the time. Feeling like if one person says one small comment about anything that makes me think about Peyton and why she isn't here with me, it will completely break me.

I don't want to feel that vulnerability. I want feel strong and brave and know that no matter how consumed by grief I am, I will be okay. I will make it to the other side.

That I will find some new normal.

I can't stop the grief. I can't make it go away or change it.
I guess I just have to do it. I just have to grief. 

I am accepting grief. That's part of healing... right?!

Change

Have any of you ever stared at yourself in the mirror? I mean really stared. So long that you become something almost unrecognizable. When you stare too long everything kind of blurs and then comes back into focus, but you don't always see what you saw in yourself before. You are changed.
Your face looks like a strangers would. You don't even recognize your own eyes.
Then you think to yourself ...who am I? Who really am I?!

Lately I have been feeling consumed with figuring out what I am doing with my life...what my purpose is. Where I am going. Who I am.
I am not the same person I was before I had Peyton.
I am completely changed and nothing could have prepared me for this change.
I will never be the same person I was before.
I have felt sorrow and pain like nothing I have ever experienced and that will forever shape who I am for the rest of my life.
My relationships with everyone I know has changed in some way.
I feel like people look at me differently now and I guess they should, because I am different.
I have grown extremely close to some and with others have no relationship with at all anymore.
I've met and read about some incredibly strong women who have gone through a similiar loss as I have and felt more connected to them than people I have known my entire life.
I don't feel the same way about myself anymore either. My body will never be the same.
I will never look at myself the way I did before we lost Peyton.
I will never look at pregnancy, birth, or babies the same way I used to.
I don't think it will ever be an innocent, happy time for myself and that breaks my heart.
I am forever changed.
I have never been good with change and now I have been hit full on with overwhelming changes.
I feel like I am in high school all over again trying to decide what the next step I should be taking is.
I am running towards the next step as hard as can, but not actually getting to where I am suppose to be going.
I guess because I don't know where or what it is I am running towards.
For so long, even before I was married, I always pictured myself as one day being a mother.
I didn't know when that day would come, but like most girls, I always had that dream.
When I found out I was expecting, I immediately became a mother.
I had a found a purpose.
I didn't particularly care anymore what my career was going to be.
I was going to be a mom and that was good enough for me.
After losing Peyton I no longer felt like I had a purpose in life.
I started re-evaluating everything I was doing with my life. I struggled with going back to my job.
I tried and tried to get back to a "normal" routine but failed.
I was having panic attacks and severe anxiety about returning to work. After trying a handful of different medications to help and a month or two of feeling like a zombie.
I decided I was just going to have to deal without the help of medication.
Because with or without medication I still couldn't bear the thought of sitting at the desk where I had first felt her kick.
Needless to say... I left my job and started a new one. 
However, here I am still. Trying to figure out what I really want to do with my life.
How I can use my story to help others who may have gone through a similar loss.
I need guidance on what my next step is.
God and I aren't on the best of terms right now. I still feel anger towards him, but I am going to lean on him to give me strength and help me figure out what I am doing with my life.
I mean after all, wasn't this his plan from the beginning?
He knew this would happen.
He knew all the changes I would experience.
Now I need him to show me the way, because I for one am at a complete loss.
I know as long as I am here on Earth I will never understand why I lost my daughter, most days I am at peace with that.
I do however need to know what I should be doing with my life now.
How I should be moving forward.
I am praying that all these changes in my life are worth something and will eventually mean something to me besides misery.
I am praying that God shows me what is next.
I am going to ask you all for prayers... because I don't think I can do it alone. 
Change is hard, but I am hopeful that one day I can look back at my life and know that I have found new meaning in life. One that isn't full of heartache.



Missing you so much my sweet Peyton Grace. It's been 7 months since I got to hold you. 
Can't wait to see you again someday.

Fighting

It's been almost a month since my last post. The last one took a lot out of me emotionally and I think I just needed some time to reflect. I started a few but never got very far on them. Maybe I can actually finish one today.  I think I am just going to ramble on about all the silly, insane thoughts in my head, because that's how I have been feeling lately.
Crazy. Insane. A little all over the place.
You have been warned.
I haven't really been experiencing one strong emotion. I guess I have kind of been a mess of emotions. Sadness, anger, guilt. Even occasional happiness. They all hit me at different times and without warning.
I know I mask my feelings a lot with my family and friends, but I don't want people to feel like they have to tiptoe around me to make sure I am okay. I really am okay. Not happy or perfect, but who really is? I feel like if I pretend I am happy even when I am not, eventually I will actually be happy.
Yesterday was Independence Day, every time there is a holiday or another milestone that passes I really think about my sweet Peyton and what she would be doing.
How big she would be.
What she would look like.
What new thing she would have learned that week.
Makes me incredibly sad to think that she never got to celebrate the 4th of July, as silly as that sounds. Even though I was surrounded by people who I love and care about to celebrate, I couldn't help but feel like someone was missing.
That Peyton was missing.
It made me wonder if I am always going to feel this big, gaping hole in my heart because Peyton is not with us. I pray some day it will be filled with peace, but for now it's just filled with pain and guilt.
I've been experiencing a lot of guilty feeling towards myself lately.
As a mother you are suppose to protect and care for your children.
I feel like I let Peyton down, that I should have known something was wrong or that my body should have protected her.
I had blood work done in March, after my hormones had settled...to see if I had a clotting disorder that could have caused the clot in the umbilical cord. Results came back normal and I do not have any clotting disorder. Which I am extremely thankful for, but that also means that Peyton's death was basically just one big freak accident with no meaning at all. Which completely annoys me.
How can I ever love myself again if I feel like I am the one who did this to my child?! I know I didn't actually kill my daughter, but in a way my body did.
My body completely failed her. Stupid blood clot killing my perfect daughter.
Stupid body allowing it to happen. To not fight harder for her.
Now I am the one fighting.
Fighting to regain control of my life.
Fighting to find a purpose again.
Fighting depression.
Fighting for normal.
Fighting to love myself.
Fighting for happiness.
Fighting for some way to move on from losing the most precious thing I have ever and will ever have.
If only my body had fought a little harder.
How different would it be? I would be in a completely different place, doing completely different things with my life.
I would be a mother fighting every day for my child. Instead of only fighting for myself.
I'm making a pledge to myself that I will continue to fight for happiness, love, a purpose...because I know that is what Peyton would want me to do.
I want her to be proud of who I am.
I'm not giving up. I won't give up. I will fight, because I deserve to be happy again.
Or at least that is what I am going to keep telling myself.