The phrase “good grief” does not
make sense to me.
I'm looking at the saying very literal. I probably shouldn't, but I am. I don't know where it comes from or what it is suppose to mean, but I honestly, for the life of me don't understand how anyone could grieve good.
I'm looking at the saying very literal. I probably shouldn't, but I am. I don't know where it comes from or what it is suppose to mean, but I honestly, for the life of me don't understand how anyone could grieve good.
Grief is painful and heart shattering.
It tugs at your soul and aches in your
chest.
It's exhausting beyond anything I have
ever experienced.
It sometimes comes out in anger, where
you want to scream at the top of your lungs “I CAN'T F***ING DO
THIS ANYMORE.”
It is numbing at times.
Stopping you out of nowhere.
You don't feel like you can breathe or
take one step forward without completely melting down.
At the same time bending you as far as
you can without actually breaking you.
Sometimes grief comes in the form of distance.
Sometimes grief comes in the form of distance.
Removing yourself from anyone and
anything that reminds you of your child.
It makes you want. Want for your
daughter to be here so badly. Want her near you. Laughing and
learning. Or maybe want another child of your own.
Because you are a mother.
I keep thinking I need to be going
through the stages of grief like some kind of robot. “Denial.
Check. Anger. Check. Bargaining. Check. Wait...I”m angry again.
That doesn't make sense. That's not what I was taught.”
I used to think once I started moving
through these stages I would eventually be like “BAM! Acceptance. I
can totally move on with my life now”
That however, is not the case. At all.
Grief to me is more like the ocean.
That moves, changes and breathes life within it. The waves crash down
over and over. The tide comes in and goes out. It's never the same.
You sometimes don't even know the huge tidal wave of sadness is about
to rush over you.
I want for the ocean to calm. I want to
feel like I can swim to the other side and it be okay.
For now it doesn't. For now it feels like a big ocean that goes on forever and I'm just lost there.
For now it doesn't. For now it feels like a big ocean that goes on forever and I'm just lost there.
Floating. Sometimes paddling to save my
life.
I want to wake up and not have to think
about how much I'm hurting or if I'm going to make it through the day
without feeling like a crazy person. I want to feel a sense of
normalcy again.
I'm so exhausted with grief. So
exhausted with feeling completely weak and vulnerable all the time.
Feeling like if one person says one small comment about anything that
makes me think about Peyton and why she isn't here with me, it will
completely break me.
I don't want to feel that
vulnerability. I want feel strong and brave and know that no matter
how consumed by grief I am, I will be okay. I will make it to the
other side.
That I will find some new normal.
I can't stop the grief. I can't make it
go away or change it.
I guess I just have to do it. I just have to grief.
I guess I just have to do it. I just have to grief.
I am accepting grief. That's part of healing... right?!
I think you pegged grief exactly! Like an ocean, rolling waves, sometimes crashing, sometimes not. I think you're right too that accepting grief is part of healing. Strange but true.
ReplyDeleteFeeling like crap is not fun but it's okay to feel like that. If someone doesn't look at an injury and accept that they may be bleeding and in need of medical attention, they can't heal, they can't get treatment to heal.
I thought I was totally over being angry at God for not giving us a second child (not the same I know but it's the closest thing I have to losing one). But it comes in waves like you described. I guess that's okay. Will I ever not be angry about it? I don't know. Maybe when I'm 65? Haha. I don't wanna be angry at God. My human-ness is just human and can't help the way it feels. So I guess it's a mind choice to keep going and separate feelings from the truth. That is the challenge. Sometimes I can do it, sometimes I can't, depends on the thing I'm worried about or angry about and at whom I'm angry.
Sorry to ramble. Like I have to remember, you remember too, that God's wing is big enough to hold me and my grief, and He understands my anger and is patient.
I just thought of something that you might have done or maybe don't even want to cuz it will be hard at first and second and maybe later too. But... I sometimes will ask the Lord to tell my Mawmaw & Pawpaw that I miss them and love them. They are right there with Him and I know He must not mind. Doing that makes me feel like they are not so far away. I cry sometimes as I'm doing it but other times I don't. It's one way I keep my grandparents near (now I'm crying). I miss them so much. Just a thought for later maybe to try.
((HUG))
Thank you so much for reading and being so supportive. My heart hurts for you. I wish so bad no mother would have to deal with infertility or loss.It might not be exactly the same but in the same sense you wanted a child you couldn't have, just as I do. You are right in saying it's our human-ness. I guess we can't always control our emotions even when we want to. I talk to God sometimes and tell him to look after Peyton and tell her how much I love her. I agree, I don't think he minds. Thanks again for such support! :)
DeleteWhat I meant by "the truth" is what is true like "God loves me", "It's okay to be angry", "God does care", etc. Of course feelings are true too so I thought I should explain what I meant.
ReplyDeleteThis was a one of the best ways I have read grief described. Exactly how I feel as well. Thank you.
ReplyDelete