Change

Have any of you ever stared at yourself in the mirror? I mean really stared. So long that you become something almost unrecognizable. When you stare too long everything kind of blurs and then comes back into focus, but you don't always see what you saw in yourself before. You are changed.
Your face looks like a strangers would. You don't even recognize your own eyes.
Then you think to yourself ...who am I? Who really am I?!

Lately I have been feeling consumed with figuring out what I am doing with my life...what my purpose is. Where I am going. Who I am.
I am not the same person I was before I had Peyton.
I am completely changed and nothing could have prepared me for this change.
I will never be the same person I was before.
I have felt sorrow and pain like nothing I have ever experienced and that will forever shape who I am for the rest of my life.
My relationships with everyone I know has changed in some way.
I feel like people look at me differently now and I guess they should, because I am different.
I have grown extremely close to some and with others have no relationship with at all anymore.
I've met and read about some incredibly strong women who have gone through a similiar loss as I have and felt more connected to them than people I have known my entire life.
I don't feel the same way about myself anymore either. My body will never be the same.
I will never look at myself the way I did before we lost Peyton.
I will never look at pregnancy, birth, or babies the same way I used to.
I don't think it will ever be an innocent, happy time for myself and that breaks my heart.
I am forever changed.
I have never been good with change and now I have been hit full on with overwhelming changes.
I feel like I am in high school all over again trying to decide what the next step I should be taking is.
I am running towards the next step as hard as can, but not actually getting to where I am suppose to be going.
I guess because I don't know where or what it is I am running towards.
For so long, even before I was married, I always pictured myself as one day being a mother.
I didn't know when that day would come, but like most girls, I always had that dream.
When I found out I was expecting, I immediately became a mother.
I had a found a purpose.
I didn't particularly care anymore what my career was going to be.
I was going to be a mom and that was good enough for me.
After losing Peyton I no longer felt like I had a purpose in life.
I started re-evaluating everything I was doing with my life. I struggled with going back to my job.
I tried and tried to get back to a "normal" routine but failed.
I was having panic attacks and severe anxiety about returning to work. After trying a handful of different medications to help and a month or two of feeling like a zombie.
I decided I was just going to have to deal without the help of medication.
Because with or without medication I still couldn't bear the thought of sitting at the desk where I had first felt her kick.
Needless to say... I left my job and started a new one. 
However, here I am still. Trying to figure out what I really want to do with my life.
How I can use my story to help others who may have gone through a similar loss.
I need guidance on what my next step is.
God and I aren't on the best of terms right now. I still feel anger towards him, but I am going to lean on him to give me strength and help me figure out what I am doing with my life.
I mean after all, wasn't this his plan from the beginning?
He knew this would happen.
He knew all the changes I would experience.
Now I need him to show me the way, because I for one am at a complete loss.
I know as long as I am here on Earth I will never understand why I lost my daughter, most days I am at peace with that.
I do however need to know what I should be doing with my life now.
How I should be moving forward.
I am praying that all these changes in my life are worth something and will eventually mean something to me besides misery.
I am praying that God shows me what is next.
I am going to ask you all for prayers... because I don't think I can do it alone. 
Change is hard, but I am hopeful that one day I can look back at my life and know that I have found new meaning in life. One that isn't full of heartache.



Missing you so much my sweet Peyton Grace. It's been 7 months since I got to hold you. 
Can't wait to see you again someday.