Breathing

Breathing feels easier.
Almost natural again.
I breath in.
I breath out.
I don't feel that tightness in my chest.
The swelling of tears is almost distant.
There isn't a constant struggle of forcing emotions back.
I'm not hiding them.
I breath in.
I breath out.
There is an ease about me.
A calm.
Is it peace?
Is it what I have been waiting for?
I breath in.
I breath out.
Will I sink again?
Feel emotional and broken?
Sadness still looms over me.
I'm still missing a piece of  my heart.
I breath in.
I breath out.
I can feel Peyton's presence around me.
The sun breaking through the clouds on a rainy day.
The soft whisper of the wind that blows around me.
She's there.
In everything I do.
I breath in.
She'll always be there.
I breath out.


That pretty much just poured out of me today and so there it is.
I've been feeling really okay lately.
Good almost.
Although, I'm scared to say that because I know how grief works and at any second I feel like I could be knocked down again. I'm thankful for the break in feeling so emotional and I'll gladly take it for as long as it wants to stay around.
I think about Peyton a lot.
When I wake up my mind usually goes to her first.
For the longest time I felt so sad about her.
I couldn't talk much about her without feeling the urge to bury myself in a hole and cry. Occasionally I still do.
However, for the most part I'm feeling peaceful about her. 
When I do feel sad, it's not as much for me as it used to be.
I don't always feel my body aching for her.
My arms wanting to hold her again.
I'm sad mainly for her.
Wishing she had more of a chance at life. Wishing that her life wasn't cut way, way too short. Wishing she had a chance to really live.
To do something spontaneous or just experience normal, everyday things.
Like learning to walk or saying her first words.
She missed out and that is what makes me saddest right now.
I've learned to accept that I can't change what happened.
I just have to keep moving froward with my life.
I've learned that Peyton will always be a part of my life.
A daughter who didn't get a chance to really live.
I'm learning that sadness might also always be a part of me now, in some way or another, but I won't let it define who I truly am.