One Year ago today I found out I was pregnant.
It was Mother's Day.
About 31 weeks later on December 12, 2011 I gave birth to our precious daughter, Peyton Grace. Who was already embraced in the loving arms of our Lord.
Thinking back over the last year I realize now how fast time goes.
How different the dreams I had a year ago are from the dreams I have now.
How
fast life changes.
How you can plan and plan for something, that in the
end is taken from you before you really even have a chance to have it.
How I really have no control over some things in my life.
How crazy it is to think that this is my life, my journey, my story.
A story that I now want to be sharing with all of you.
I've been journaling since we lost Peyton. It really helps to express what I'm feeling when I put it in writing. Even if it's sometimes just a jumble of feelings and words. I've been wanting to start a blog for a few months now and I don't know what has been stopping me or why it took me so long to actually start.
But here I am.
My hope is that anyone who comes across this blog will learn about my daughter and how special she was to so many people, especially my husband and I.
That sharing what I have and will experience will further help my journey of grief and healing. Because if I have learned anything through the loss of Peyton, it's that grief is really a journey.
I also am hopeful that through this blog people will realize that although Peyton was born still, she was still born.
She was loved by many and had a life inside my womb.
I want people to know that it is okay to talk about Peyton, it is okay to talk about stillbirth.
And who knows maybe some mother who has lost a baby in the same way I have will come across this blog and know that they are not alone.
That they were given this life because they are strong enough to make it through.
That we will survive this and in the end be stronger because of it.
Because after all, aren't we all just surviving.
My heart still aches for you. I asked my husband when this happened over and over how someone so sweet and perfect as you could have something so tragic happen. I always think about you and how you are coping, and it is empowering that you realize that you are not alone, even though that's probably what you feel like most. I love you, and I love all the fun times we shared when we were young. You are still as special to me now as you were then, despite our very brief interactions. Peyton will never be forgotten because the love you had for her is too strong. You are an inspiration, and a wonderful mother. Love you girl.
ReplyDeleteAwww thank you Meghan!
DeleteI appreciate the continued support you have given to Jordan and I!
I'll still dance around to N'sync with you any day! Love you! :)
I admire, truly admire you. I do not think that if I had experienced the loss that you have, that I would handle it in such an embracing and graceful way. I think of you often, everyday to tell the truth. I am sorry that I have not made it a point to keep in better contact with you over the past several months, but you truly are on my mind all the time. I am so proud of the woman you have become and I know Peyton is too. I know she is looking down on you with a huge smile, so thankful that even though she did not experience her life with you here on earth, that the Lord blessed her with such an amazing woman as a mother. Please, don't hesitate to pick up the phone and call me, I do better with people calling me than calling people these days. With Berklee practically walking, I'm doing good to even keep up with my phone. I love you so much and I hope to see you soon!!
ReplyDeleteThanks Kelli!
DeleteI miss youuuu!
Love ya!
Allie I love you and Jordan so much. It has been so hard to watch you go through this. I am so proud of you in how you have dealt with the loss of Peyton Grace.
ReplyDeleteIt brought tears to my eyes to see the picture of that sweet little face growing in your tummy. I love that little baby so much. She will always be close to my heart. I remember telling one of the nurses at the hospital that she was my first grand-baby. She said she always will be your first grand-baby. Such a beautiful perfect little one. I miss her so, my Peyton Grace. Grandma D.D.
I wouldn't be as strong as I am today without your support!
DeleteLove you so much, mom!
I love you and I am so very proud of you for deciding to do a blog about everything you have been through and are going through. It shows true courage and I pray that as you said, that it will help to bring healing to you as well. You are such an amazing friend, and while I realize this blog may bring back some pain for you, know that you have so many people who care about and love you! Megan
ReplyDeleteThanks for the continued support Megan!
DeleteI appreciate you.
Love you!
Allie I've been following your journey since you said you were pregnant on Facebook and I was so crushed when your baby girl didn't make it. But I am amazed at how you are celebrating the time you had with her amidst the pain. God had bigger plans for her that you will bring to fruition. You are so incredibly strong and courageous to share this with the world. Thank you for letting those of us who are not particularly close with you read how you and your husband are doing and how much you love your little angel. You never truly understand how your life impacts others and you have made an impact on mine. God Bless you and your family.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your support!
Delete:)